Only a Girl: or, A Physician for the Soul.Hillern, Wilhelmine von
General
Only a Girl: or, A Physician for the Soul.
Hillern, Wilhelmine von
German fiction -- Translations into English
mind, devotion seemed near her, but to be eluding her clasp. There lay
the guiltless little penitent, her soul full of piety, but unable to
pray,--her heart full of tears, but unable to weep. She sprang up in
despair. God was not here either. She had thought she heard him in the
tempest, and that the wind was his breath,--but on the way home her
uncle had explained to her that it was nothing but a current of air
occasioned by the change of temperature on the earth's surface, or by
violent showers of rain, and she was convinced that she had been wrong
and that her uncle knew very much more than the pastor. But if she
believed her uncle, she could not believe in God; it was not her fault,
and yet this doubt weighed upon her as the first crime of her life. Her
trusting soul was like the iron that glows long after the fire in which
it was heated is quenched; her faith was extinguished, but the
influence that her faith had exerted upon her endured and became her
punishment. It began to grow dark; yet still she stood with head bowed
and downcast eyes beside the wooden crucifix upon the tomb of her
parents. The Christ who had been nailed to the cross for the sake of
what her uncle called an illusion, seemed to regard her so
reproachfully that she did not dare to look up at him; he had shed his
precious blood for the faith which she denied; she almost thought he
would tear away the hand nailed to the cross and extend it in menace
towards her. An inexplicable shudder ran through her; again she fell
upon her knees.
"Forgive, forgive!" she cried; and the tears burst forth and relieved
the icy pressure upon her heart.
Then something grasped her shoulder and raised her from the ground. Was
it her uncle, or the foul fiend, who was standing beside her?
"You are here, then," he sneered, "in the dark, kneeling and weeping.
Aha! I came to look for my quiet little philosopher, and I find a
whimpering child praying to a wooden doll! Can you tell me where
Ernestine Hartwich is?"
"Uncle," cried Ernestine, driven to defiance in her despair, "why do
you persecute me so continually to-day? Can I not be alone for one
hour? and must I give an account of every thought and word? You have
taken from me everything in which I confided,--you have come between
myself and God, so that I dare not go to the pastor, but must slip
round his house as if I were a thief. Do you think all this does not
pain me, and that I feel no remorse? Whatever you may teach me, I shall
never be happy again. Why did you tell me there were no spirits, no
angels, no God? I did not wish to know it. I loved God, and, however
wretched I was, I could always hope that he would be kind and merciful
to me; if no human being loved me, I could always think that he did.
And now I must bear everything that happens to me, hoping nothing and
loving nothing,--no one,--not even you!"
Leuthold smiled, and stroked Ernestine's curls.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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