Illustration: _Arbiter Elegantiarum._ =Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, 'M, COULD I GO OUT THIS EVENING? 'CAUSE COOK NEX' DOOR'S GOT A 'LANG'AGE O' FLOWERS BEE,' AND SHE_'s_ REQUESTED ME TO BE ONE O' THE JUDGES!" Illustration: "_The Servants._" =Cook.= "THEN, SHALL YOU GO AS 'OUSEMAID?" =Young Person.= "NO, INDEED! IF I GO AT ALL, I GO AS LADY 'ELP!" Illustration: "_Hard Lines._" =Mistress= (_to former Cook_). "WELL, ELIZA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?" =Ex-Cook.= "WELL, MUM, AS YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO CHARACTER, I'VE BEEN OBLIGED TO MARRY A SOLDIER!" Illustration: "_Not to Put too Fine a Point on It._" _Transatlantic Party._ "LOOK 'ERE, WAITER! CHANGE THIS KNIFE FOR A PEA-EATER. STRANGER AND ME AIR ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS, AND I MIGHT HURT HIM." Illustration: "_Never Say 'Die'_" =Nephew.= "SURE IT ISN'T GOUT, UNCLE?" =Uncle.= "GOUT! SHTUFF AN' NONSHENSH! NOT A BIT OF IT! NO, FACT IS--PHEW--(_winces_) THESE CON-FOUNDED BOOTMAKERS--THEY MAKE YOUR BOOTS SO _TIGHT_!!" Illustration: _"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c._ =Urbane Foreigner.= "THE--AH--CONTEMPLATION OF THESE--AH--RELICS OF ANCIENT ART IN THE GALLERIES OF EUROPE, MUST BE MOST INT'R'STING TO THE--AH--EDUCATED AMERICAN!" =American Tourist.= "WA'AL, DON'T SEEM TO CARE MUCH FOR THESE _STONE GALS_ SOMEHOW, STRANGER!" Illustration: A Plutocrat. =Swell.= "'D YOU OBLIGE ME--AH--BY SHUTTING YOUR WINDOW?--AH----" =Second Passenger= (_politely_). "REALLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL NOT PRESS IT, AS YOURS IS SHUT, THE AIR IS SO WARM I WOULD RATHER KEEP THIS OPEN. YOU SEEM TO TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, SIR----" =Swell.= "CARE OF MYSELF! SHOULD WATHER THINK SO. SO WOULD YOU, MY DEAR FEL-LAH, IF YOU'D SIX THOUSAND A YE-AR!!" Illustration: "Matter!" =Portly Old Swell= (_on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech_). "DEAR ME! IS IT POSS'BLE! MOST 'XTR'ORD'NARY!--(_throws down the Review_)--THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY A 'PRIMORDIAL ATOMIC GLOBULE'!!" Illustration: A Final Appeal. "NOW, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I THROW MYSELF UPON YOUR IMPARTIAL JUDGEMENT AS HUSBANDS AND FATHERS, AND I CONFIDENTLY ASK, DOES THE PRISONER LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WOULD KNOCK DOWN AND TRAMPLE UPON THE WIFE OF HIS BOSOM? GENTLEMEN, I HAVE DONE!" Illustration: _Division of Labor._ =Facetious Volunteer Sub.= "LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN; I'M TIRED OF THIS FUN. DO YOU MIND LOOKING AFTER THE MEN WHILE I GO AND GET TAKEN PRISONER?" Illustration: "_Off._" =Sergeant O'Leary.= "DOUBLE! LEFT! RIGHT! WHAT THE BLAZES, PAT ROONEY, D'YE MANE BY NOT DOUBLIN' WID THE SQUAD!?" =Pat.= "SHURE, SERGEANT, 'TWASN'T A FAIR START!" Illustration: _"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c._ =Frugal Housewife= (_has a large Family_). "OH, MR. STICKINGS, I SEE BY THE DAILY PAPERS THAT THE PRICE OF MEAT HAS FALLEN TWOPENCE A POUND. I THINK YOU OUGHT TO MAKE SOME REDUCTION IN YOUR CHARGES!" =Country Butcher.= "WERRY SORRY, MUM, BUT WE DON'T TAKE IN NO DAILY PAPERS, MUM!!" Illustration: _Complimentary._