=Mistress= (_who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard in the Kitchen--Guardsman discovered!_). "O, YOU DECEITFUL GIRL, TO SAY THERE WAS NOBODY HERE! AND AFTER I'D GIVEN YOU DISTINCTLY TO UNDERSTAND I DIDN'T ALLOW 'FOLLOWERS'; AND HERE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE A WEEK----" =Cook.= "LAUKS, M'M, IT MUST BE ONE O' THE FOLLERERS AS THE LAST COOK LEFT BE'IND 'ER!!" Illustration: _Romance of the Kitchen._ =Cook= (_from the Area_). "O, 'LIZA, GI' ME MY WINIGRETTE--I'VE 'AD A--OFFER--FROM THE DUSTMAN!!" Illustration: "_Compliments of the Season._" =Comely Housemaid.= "O, MR. JAMES, I'M SO FRIGHTENED IN THE RAILWAY! SUPPOSE THE BILER WAS TO BUST!" =Mr. James.= "THEN, MY DEAR, YOU'D BE A SINGIN' AMONG THE ANGELS IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES!!" Illustration: "Ready!" =Emily.= "WHAT'S CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, MAMMA?" =Master Harry.= "WHY, BEING LOCKED UP IN THE PANTRY! _I_ SHOULD CONSIDER IT SO!" Illustration: Dear, Dear Boy! =George.= "OH! SHOULDN'T I JUST LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY IN THAT DEN, AUNT!" =Serious Aunt.= "YE-ES. DANIEL, I SUPPOSE, DEAR?" =George.= "OH NO, AUNT; I MEAN 'OLD TWIGSBY,' OUR HEAD-MASTER!!" Illustration: "Brother Brush." =Ship-Painter.= "NICE DRYIN' WEATHER FOR OUR BUSINESS, AIN'T IT, SIR?" =Amateur= (_disconcerted_). "YA-A-S!"---- _Takes a dislike to the place._ Illustration: "The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season." =Papa.= "THERE, HENRY! IF YOU COULD DO LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE YOU _TAUGHT DRAWING_, MY BOY!" Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect. =English Tourist.= "I SAY, LOOK HERE. HOW FAR IS IT TO THIS GLENSTARVIT? THEY TOLD US IT WAS ONLY----" =Native.= "ABOOT FOUR MILES." =Tourist= (_aghast_). "ALL BOG LIKE THIS?" =Native.= "EH--H--THIS IS JUST NAETHIN' TILL'T!!" Illustration: Compliments of the Season. =Squire= (_who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of his Peasantry_). "HULLO, WOODRUFF! WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?!" =Labourer.= "O, IT'S NAWTHIN' PARTIC'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT--AT THE WHITE 'ART, SIR. BUT--(_in extenuation_)--CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR--ON'Y ONCE A YEAR!" Illustration: Two Sides to a Question. =Squire.= "YOUR NAME SMITH?" =Smith.= "YESSIR." =Squire.= "AH, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THE MAN WHO GIVES SO MUCH TROUBLE TO MY KEEPERS!" =Smith.= "AX YER PARDON, SQUIRE, YOUR KEEPERS IS MUCH MORE TROUBLE TO ME!" Illustration: Suspicion! =Stout Visitor= (_on discovering that, during his usual Nap after Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke_). "IT'S ONE O' THOSE DASHED ARTISTS THAT ARE STAYING AT THE 'LORD NELSON' 'A' DONE THIS, I KNOW!" Illustration: Depression. SCENE--_The Exchange. Industrial Centre._ =First Commercial Man= (_dryly_). "MORNIN'!" =Second ditto= (_coldly_). "MORNIN'!" =First C. M.= (_hopelessly_). "OWT?" =Second ditto= (_mournfully_). "NOWT!" =First C. M.= (_gloomily_). "MORNIN'!" =Second ditto= (_despairingly_). "MORNIN'!" _They part._ Illustration: Reductio ad Absurdum.