=Cook.= "NOW, I'M A LEAVIN' OF YER, M'UM, I MAY AS WELL TELL YER AS THE KEY O' THE KITCHING-DOOR FITS YOUR STORE-ROOM!" Illustration: Sweet Simplicity. =Visitor.= "JANE, HAS YOUR MISTRESS GOT A BOOT-JACK?" =Maid-of-all-Work.= "NO, SIR; PLEASE, SIR, I CLEAN ALL THE BOOTS, SIR!" Illustration: Master of the Situation?! SCENE--_Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum._ ENTER _Mrs. T. and her Cook._ =Cook= (_with her usual promptitude--SHE never kept anybody waiting_). "OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN OF MISSIS! WHICH SHE COME A DICTATERIN' AND A HINTERFERIN' IN YOUR KITCHING IN A WAY AS I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T APPROVE ON," &C., &C., &C.!! _T. confesses he felt (for the first and last time) a delicious sensation of being apparently master in his own house. She was an admirable Cook, and altogether a most excell---- BUT HOWEVER SHE HAD TO GO_! Illustration: Manners! =Young Mistress.= "JANE, I'M SURPRISED THAT NONE OF YOU STOOD UP WHEN I WENT INTO THE KITCHEN JUST NOW!" =Jane.= "INDEED, MUM! WHICH WE WAS SU'PRISED OURSELVES AT YOUR A COMIN' INTO THE KITCHING WHILE WE WAS A 'AVIN' OUR _LUNCHEONS_!!" Illustration: A Regular Turk! =Adjutant.= "WELL, SERGEANT, HOW'S YOUR PRISONER GETTING ON?" =Sergeant of the Guard.= "BEDAD, SOR, HE'S THE VI'LENTEST BLAGGYARD I IVER HAD TO DO WID! WE'RE ALL IN TIRROR IV OUR LOIVES! SHURE WE'RE OBLIGED TO FEED HIM WID FIXED BAY'NITS!" Illustration: "Incidit in Scyllam," &c. =Ensign Muffles= (_alluding to his Moustache_). "YOU SEE, SOME SAY, 'WEAR IT,' YOU KNOW; AND SOME SAY, 'CUT IT OFF,' YOU KNOW; BUT IF I TOOK EVERYBODY'S ADVICE I SHOULD BE LIKE THE OLD MAN AND HIS DONKEY." =Sergeant O'Rourke.= "YOUR'R HON'RR WOULD--(BUT NOT WISHING TO BE PERSONAL ABOUT HIS OFFICER'S AGE) THAT IS--LASTE-WAYS,--BARRIN THE OULD MAN, YOUR HON-R-R-R!!!" Illustration: What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure. (BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.) =Mr. Registrar.= "WHAT'S THE NUMBER OF YOUR DEED, SIR?" =Attorney's Clerk.= "H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!" =Mr. Registrar= (_faintly_). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR!--(NOTES DOWN THE NUMBER)--THAT WILL DO." _And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot._ Illustration: Curious. =English Tourist= (_in Ireland_). "TELL ME, WAITER, AT WHAT HOUR DOES THE FIRST TRAIN LEAVE FOR CLONMEL?" =Waiter.= "IS IT THE FURRST THRAIN, SOR? I'M NOT RIGHTLY SHURE. THE NOINE THRAIN UP USED TO LAVE AT HA'F-PAST NOINE--BUT FAIX IT GOES AT TIN NOW, AND THERE'S NO FURRST THRAIN NOW AT ALL AT ALL. BUT I'LL AX AT THE BAR, SORR!!" Illustration: Anything for a Change. =Artist= (_to Old Fellow-Student_). "AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THESE YEARS,--WHAT ARE YOU PAINTING?" =Swell.= "OH, I GAVE UP PAINTING, MY DEAR FELLOW--THEN I TOOK TO TEACHING! BUT YOU CAN'T FIND PUPILS IN GENIUS, YOU KNOW, SO NOW I GO IN FOR ART CRITICISM! I KNOW I'M STRONG IN THAT! DID YOU SEE MY ARTICLE IN THIS WEEK'S 'NOW A DAYS?'" Illustration: Appearances.