=Mrs. Tomkins.= "I'LL CALL 'ER, M'UM." (_At the top of her Voice._) "MRS. 'IG----GINS! ERE'S THE PERSON WITH THE TRAC'S!" (_To the Honourable Miss._) "THE LADY WILL BE DOWN PRESENTLY, M'UM!!" Illustration: Legitimate Criticism. =Aged Village Matron= (_to Sympathising Visitor_). "IT'S A 'COOKERY BOOK,' AS MRS. PENEWISE, OUR 'DISTRICT LADY,' GIVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS, MISS. I'D A DEAL SOONER A' HAD THE INGRIDDIMENTS, MISS!!" Illustration: "The Servants." =Old Lady.= "THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, MY DEAR. THERE'S OUR SUSAN (IT'S TRUE SHE'S A DISSENTER), BUT I'VE ALLOWED HER TO GO TO CHAPEL THREE TIMES EVERY SUNDAY SINCE SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME, AND I ASSURE YOU SHE DOESN'T COOK A BIT BETTER THAN SHE DID THE FIRST DAY!!" Illustration: Pleasant for Simpkins! =Photographer= (_to Mr. Simpkins_). "KEEP YOUR HEAD STEADY, PLEASE, SIR, AND LOOK IN THE DIRECTION OF THOSE YOUNG LADIES. STEADY NOW, SIR! DON'T WINK, SIR!" =Mrs. S.= (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). "JUST LET ME SEE HIM WINK!!" Illustration: A Misnomer. =Country Valetudinarian.= "AH YES, MU'M, I'VE HAD THE 'LUMBAGER TURR'BLE BAD, MU'M! 'KETCHES ME IN THE _SMALL_ O' THE BACK 'ERE, MU'M!!" Illustration: "Winkles!" =Philanthropic Coster'= (_who has been crying "Perry-wink--wink--wink!" till he's hoarse--and no buyers_). "I WONDER WHAT THE P'OR UNFORT'NATE CREETERS IN THESE 'ERE LOW NEIGHB'R'OODS DO LIVE ON!!" Illustration: "The Last (Co-operative) Feather." '=My Lady.=' "JUST TAKE AND TIE UP A COUPLE OF THOSE SACKS BEHIND THE CARRIAGE, JAMES. THERE'LL BE ROOM, IF ONE OF YOU RIDES ON THE BOX!!" Illustration: Disaffection! =Adjutant.= "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?" =Drum-Major.= "Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these are the Ringleaders!!" Illustration: Zoology. =Railway Porter= (_to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets_). "'STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS IS 'DOGS,' AND RABBITS IS 'DOGS,' AND SO'S PARROTS; BUT THIS ERE 'TORTIS' IS A INSECT, SO THERE AIN'T NO CHARGE FOR IT!" Illustration: Extortion. =Porter, S. E. R.= "TICKET FOR MUSICAL INSTRUMENT, PLEASE, SIR." =Amateur Violoncellist= (_who never travels without his bass, indignantly_). "WHAT! PAY FOR THIS? I'VE NEVER HAD TO PAY ON ANY OTHER LINE. THIS IS MY 'CELLO!" =Porter= (_calmly_). "NOT PERSONAL LUGGAGE, SIR. ALL THE SAME IF YOU'D A HURDY-GURDY, SIR!!" _Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him._ Illustration: "Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?" =Little Flora= (_in great distress_). "OH, MAMMA, LOOK HERE! JACK SAYS IT'S AUNT FANNY! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL-DRESS WITH THE ROSES ON IT, AND SHE'S _STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY_!" Illustration: Compliments of the Season. =Fond Parent.= "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF." =Mr. Stimpson.= "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!" Illustration: On the Face of It. =Pretty Teacher.= "NOW, JOHNNY WELLS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS MEANT BY A MIRACLE?"