I take my blushes from a box, complexion from a jar, My dimples are to order made (a guinea each they are), My curls were purchased through the Stores (a very cheap job lot), The alabaster of my neck is four-and-six per pot. And I line my eyes like this (_does so_). I mark my veins like that (_does so_), Fill up this wrinkle so, lay this excrescence flat (_does so_) I fix and I cement (_does so_), I powder, puff, and scent (_does so_), Until, at last, my form is fit in public to present! _Truth._ Christmas Number, 1884. ――――:o:―――― “THE ST. JAMES’S GAZETTE” ON MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN IN 1885. When first I went to Parliament I gazed with mock humility, On Gladstone and on Hartington, on Derby and on Bright; I followed their directions with unquestioning docility, And said that what they bid me do must certainly be right. I flattered all and each of them, And daily did beseech of them Some counsel or advice, which I accepted with civility. I hastened to defer to them; When talking, I said “Sir” to them; And all my early conduct was remarkably polite, I bowed to them, Kowtowed to them, Each day from morn till night: I laughed with them, And chaffed with them, And played the parasite. But as the proverb predicates, complete familiarity Affects a mam’s ideals with a kind of moral blight: And G. and H. and D. and B. (observe the singularity!) Revealed defects of character that shocked their proselyte. I could no longer follow them, or go to them as reference; Their methods, I discovered, differed totally from mine: And therefore I reluctantly, and quite against my preference, Informed them, “Either you or I, good people must resign.” They simply would not hear of it: They had the greatest fear of it: They treated what I said to them with unaccustomed deference: They never would demur to me: They even whispered “Sir” to me; And one and all they flattered me, and asked me home to dine. They bowed to me, Kowtowed to me: And how could I decline? I sneered at them And jeered at them, But went, and drank their wine. Don’t talk to me of impudence, deception, or audacity. I worried them, I flurried them, I worked upon their fears: And now they duly recognise my value and capacity, And meekly let me lead them by their noses and their ears. ――――:o:―――― “WHO ARE THEY?”