When I went to the Church, as a very young man, (Said I to myself, said I) I’ll work on the good old pluralist plan (Said I to myself, said I). I’ll marry the daughter of Bishop or Dean; To the best paying side in church politics lean, And whatever the work, remain idly serene (Said I to myself, said I). And I’ve managed, I fancy, to do what I say, For you see what I am by my apron to-day; And if you but look at the papers you’ll know To what bigoted lengths I am willing to go. It is true I’m too weak to my diocese work, But no one can say my chief duty I shirk. No, I quarterly draw my prelatical pay, In the fine, old, full-flavoured Episcopal way! _The Army._ When I took my commission as a silly young man (Said I to myself, said I), I will certainly work on a Barnumesque plan――[25] (Said I to myself, said I). I will flatter my General, get in a clique, My own self-advancement at all times bespeak, And to puff my own bravery always will seek (Said I to myself, said I). So I did it, and thus, as you see me to-day, Have worked very high in the Army my way, And now am quite busy in doing my best The course of my rivals to forthwith arrest, By striving that they, although equally wise, May no army discover in which they can rise. Yes, thanks to the fads in which I persist, Our army, I take it, will not long exist. _The Law._ When I went to the bar as a priggish young man (Said I to myself, said I), I’ll work on the regular, old legal plan, (Said I to myself, said I). I’ll take more briefs than I can read through, Nor care though my clients my carelessness rue. I will stick to my fees whatever I do (Said I to myself, said I) Well. I think I have managed to score a success, And have ruined more clients than ever you’d guess; And besides, when a chance was presented to me, I my politics changed and became an M.P.; And my coat having turned (’twas a very slight wrench), I soon shall be called as a judge to the bench, From there to pass sentence, for many an act In no wise so bad as _my_ deeds were in fact. _Medicine._