When I hospitals walked as a merry young man (Said I to myself, said I), I’ll proceed to success on a Specialist plan, (Said I to myself, said I). I’ll stick to one part of our wonderful frame, And, spite of my fellow-practitioners’ blame, I think it will bring me both lucre and fame (Said I to myself, said I). The result, I am glad to report, has been good, For I’ve earned the large fortune I said that I would, And as to my fame, it is easy to tell From the way that I’m hated I’ve won that as well. So jealous, in fact, are my rivals, I think They hardly from my vivisection would shrink, In order to find, by their treatment of me, Where this Nerve most successful they grudge me can be! _Truth Christmas Number._ 1883. ―――― SOME NEW YEAR’S EVE RESOLVES. Said a Barrister, low to himself, said he, “Next year I will keep no unearned fee, I will hold no briefs that I cannot read, Nor sully my ‘silk’ with dishonest greed. Next year I will not be paid for work Which I know full well that I mean to shirk. Nay, more, I will make my clerk return Those cheques which now in my pocket burn. Aye, straight is the course that I mean to steer Through the Legal Terms of the Glad New Year!” * * * * Said a British General, “I will try To learn that the Alphabet’s not all ‘I.’ With the year now dawning I mean to seek To become less bumptious and grow more meek; And learn to remember in former days There were Generals, too, who deserved some praise; And that British soldiers could fight and storm, Though nought had been heard of _my_ reform. Yes, all that the Army esteem most dear I will cease to vex in the Glad New Year!” Said a West-end Tradesman, “I hereby vow That reckless credit I’ll not allow, Nor will I make up for it e’er again By the shameful profits that I maintain; Nor will I longer essay to trade By adulteration’s scurvy aid; No! I henceforth what is pure will sell, And the demon of commerce forthwith expel, Resolved to my vows to close adhere Through the coming months of the Glad New Year! Said a Jerry Builder, “Next year shall see No Jerry dwellings put up by me! I will purchase no fever-reeking site; Nor, having bribed to the left and right, Will I there run up those frail abodes Which the life of each hapless tenant loads With cramps and chills and with torture grim, ’Till Death itself seems a boon to him; No, I as a fiend will not appear In the happy days of the Glad New Year!”