Perkins of Portland: Perkins The GreatButler, Ellis Parker
General
Perkins of Portland: Perkins The Great
Butler, Ellis Parker
Advertising -- Fiction; Humorous stories
“How is the plaster?” I asked, for there was something taking about
Perkins. “Is it good for anything?”
“Plaster!” he said. “Bother the plaster! The ad.'s all right, and that's
the main thing. Give me a good ad., and I'll sell lead bullets for
liver pills. Display 'Perkins's Bullets Kill the Disease' in all the
magazines, and in a year every person with or without a liver would be
as full of lead as a printer's case. Paint it on ten thousand barns, and
the inhabitants of these glorious States would be plugged up like Mark
Twain's frog. Now I have here an ad. that is a winner. Give me fifty
thousand dollars, and we will have every man, woman, and child in
America dreaming, thinking, and wearing Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster.
We will have it in every magazine, on every barn, fence, and rock, in
the street-cars, on highways and byways, until the refrain will ring in
sixty million American heads--
“'Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster
Makes all pains and aches fly faster.”
“But, my dear sir,” I said, “is the plaster good?”
Mr. Perkins of Portland leaned over and whispered in my ear, “There is
no plaster.”
“What?” I cried.
“Not yet,” he said, “that will come later. We will get that later. Law
of supply and demand, you know. When there is a demand, there always
turns up a supply to fill it. See the point? You look bright. See this.
We advertise. Get, say, fifty thousand orders at ten dollars each;
total, five hundred thousand dollars. What next? We sell out. We go to
some big concern. 'Here,' we say--'Here is an article advertised up to
the handle. Here are orders for five hundred thousand dollars' worth.
Thing on the boom. Give us two hundred thousand cash, and get up your
old plaster, and fill the orders. Thanks. Good day.' See? They get a
well-established business. We get a clear profit of one hundred and
fifty thousand. What next? We get up another ad. Invest our whole
capital. Sell out for a million. Invest again, sell out again. In ten
years we can buy Manhattan Island for our town-seat and Chicago for our
country-seat. The richest firm in the world--Perkins and--”
“Brown,” I said, supplying the blank; “but I haven't fifty thousand
dollars, nor yet ten thousand.”
“What have you got?” he asked, eagerly. “Just five thousand.”
“Done!” Perkins cried.
And the next day we had the trade-mark registered, and had made
contracts with all the Cleveland papers.
“You see,” said Perkins, “we are shy of money. We can't bill the
universe with a measly little five thou. We've got to begin small. Our
territory is Ohio. Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster shall be known to
every Buckeye, and we will sell out for twenty thousand.”
So we soon had the words,
“Perkins's Patent Porous Plaster
Makes all pains and aches fly faster,”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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