Perkins of Portland: Perkins The GreatButler, Ellis Parker
General
Perkins of Portland: Perkins The Great
Butler, Ellis Parker
Advertising -- Fiction; Humorous stories
The old cheese factory was to be the Cloverdale Club-house, and we set
to work at once to remodel it. We had the stalls knocked out of the
cow-shed, and made it into a bowling-alley, and added a few cupolas and
verandas to the factory, and had the latest styles of wall-paper put on
the walls, and in a few days we had a first-class club-house.
But we did not stop there. Perkins was bound that Cloverdale should be
first-class in every respect, and it was a pleasure to see him marking
in public institutions. Every few minutes he would think of a new
one and jot it down on the map; and every time he jotted down an
opera-house, or a school-house, or a public library, he would raise the
price of the lots, until we had the place so exclusive, I began to fear
I couldn't afford to live there. Then he put in a street-car line and
a water and gas system, and quit; for he had the map so full of things
that he could not put in another one without making it look mussy.
One thing Perkins insisted on was that there should be no factories. He
said it would be a little paradise right in Cook County. He liked the
phrase, “Paradise within Twenty Minutes of the Chicago Post-office,”
so well that he raised the price of the lots another ten dollars all
around.
Then we began to advertise. We did not wait to build the churches nor
the school-house, nor any of the public institutions. We did not even
wait to have the streets surveyed. What was the use of having twenty or
thirty streets and avenues paved when the only inhabitants were Perkins
and I and the old lady who took care of the Club-house? Why should we
rush ourselves to death to build a school-house when the only person
in Cloverdale with children was the said old lady? And she had only one
child, and he was forty-eight years old, and in the Philippines.
We began to push Cloverdale hard. There wasn't an advertising scheme
that Perkins did not know, and he used them all. People would open their
morning mail, and a circular would tell them that Cloverdale had an
ennobling religious atmosphere. Their morning paper thrust a view of
the Cloverdale Club-house on them. As they rode down-town in the
street-cars, they read that Cloverdale was refined and exclusive. The
bill-boards announced that Cloverdale lots were sold on the easy payment
plan. The magazines asked them why they paid rent when Cloverdale land
was to be had for little more than the asking. Round-trip tickets from
Chicago to Cloverdale were furnished any one who wanted to look at the
lots. Occasionally, we had a free open-air vaudeville entertainment.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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