Perkins of Portland: Perkins The GreatButler, Ellis Parker
General
Perkins of Portland: Perkins The Great
Butler, Ellis Parker
Advertising -- Fiction; Humorous stories
The two men shook hands solemnly. Mr. Perkins was hopefully solemn. Mr.
Boggs was amazedly solemn.
“I shake your hand,” said Perkins, “because I congratulate you on your
fortune. You will soon be a wealthy man.” He paused, and then added, “If
you advertise judiciously.”
There were real tears in the eyes of Silas Boggs, as he laid his arm
affectionately across Perkins's shoulders.
“Perkins,” he said, “I can never repay you. I can never even thank you.
I will advertise. I'll go right into the house and write out an
order for space in every paper you represent. How many papers do you
represent, Perkins?”
Perkins coughed.
“Perhaps,” he said, gently, “we had better begin small. Perhaps we had
better begin with a hundred or so. There is no use overdoing it. I
have over a thousand papers on my list; and if the lop-eared brand
of guinea-pig shouldn't be as fond of large families as the common
guinea-pig is--if it should turn out to be a sort of fashionable
American family kind of guinea-pig, you know--you might have trouble
filling orders.”
But Silas Boggs was too enthusiastic to listen to calm advice. He waved
his arms wildly above his head.
“No! no!” he shouted. “All, or none, Perkins! No half-measures with
Silas Boggs! No skimping! Give me the whole thousand! I know what
advertising is--I've had experience. Didn't I advertise for a position
as vice-president of a bank last year--and how many replies did I get?
Not one! Not one! Not one, Perkins! I know, you agents are always too
sanguine. But I don't ask the impossible. I'm easily satisfied. If I
sell one pair for each of the thousand papers I'll be satisfied, and
I'll consider myself lucky. And as for the lop-eared guinea-pigs--you
furnish the papers, and the guinea-pigs will do the rest!”
Thus, in the face of Perkins's good advice, Silas Boggs inserted a small
advertisement in the entire list of one thousand country weeklies, and
paid cash in advance. To those who know Perkins the Great to-day, such
folly as going contrary to his advice in advertising matters would be
unthought of. His word is law. To follow his advice means success; to
neglect it means failure.
He is infallible. But in those days, when his star was but rising above
the horizon, he was not, as he is now, considered the master and
leader of us all--the king of the advertising world--mighty giant of
advertising genius among the dwarfs of imitation. So Silas Boggs refused
his advice.
The next month the advertisement of the Silas Boggs Lop-eared
Guinea-pigs began to appear in the weekly newspapers of the West. The
advertisement, although small, was well worded, for Perkins wrote it
himself. It was a gem of advertising writing. It began with a small cut
of a guinea-pig, which, unfortunately, appeared as a black blot in many
of the papers; but this, perhaps, lent an air of mystery to the cut that
it would not otherwise have had. The text was as follows:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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