“But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder. In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or butter, in the larder. “With this you make a kind of slide (It answers best with suet), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side— One soon learns how to do it. [Picture: And swing yourself from side to side] “The Second tells us what is right In ceremonious calls:— ‘_First burn a blue or crimson light_’ (A thing I quite forgot to-night), ‘_Then scratch the door or walls_.’” I said “You’ll visit _here_ no more, If you attempt the Guy. I’ll have no bonfires on _my_ floor— And, as for scratching at the door, I’d like to see you try!” “The Third was written to protect The interests of the Victim, And tells us, as I recollect, _To treat him with a grave respect_, _And not to contradict him_.” “That’s plain,” said I, “as Tare and Tret, To any comprehension: I only wish _some_ Ghosts I’ve met Would not so _constantly_ forget The maxim that you mention!” “Perhaps,” he said, “_you_ first transgressed The laws of hospitality: All Ghosts instinctively detest The Man that fails to treat his guest With proper cordiality. [Picture: And then you’re sure to catch it . . .] “If you address a Ghost as ‘Thing!’ Or strike him with a hatchet, He is permitted by the King To drop all _formal_ parleying— And then you’re _sure_ to catch it! “The Fourth prohibits trespassing Where other Ghosts are quartered: And those convicted of the thing (Unless when pardoned by the King) Must instantly be slaughtered. “That simply means ‘be cut up small’: Ghosts soon unite anew. The process scarcely hurts at all— Not more than when _you_ ’re what you call ‘Cut up’ by a Review. “The Fifth is one you may prefer That I should quote entire:— _The King must be addressed as_ ‘_Sir_.’ _This_, _from a simple courtier_, _Is all the Laws require_: “_But_, _should you wish to do the thing_ _With out-and-out politeness_, _Accost him as_ ‘_My Goblin King_! _And always use_, _in answering_, _The phrase_ ‘_Your Royal Whiteness_!’ “I’m getting rather hoarse, I fear, After so much reciting: So, if you don’t object, my dear, We’ll try a glass of bitter beer— I think it looks inviting.” [Picture: We’ll try a glass of bitter beer] CANTO III Scarmoges “AND did you really walk,” said I, “On such a wretched night? I always fancied Ghosts could fly— If not exactly in the sky, Yet at a fairish height.”