One of the daughters was first to discover the cars moving silently up and down, receiving and discharging their cargoes of passengers. She jerked her father’s coat sleeve to direct his attention to the phenomenon, and in a tone that was audible to the clerks in the neighborhood asked: “What’s that, paw—that thing going up and down, with sofys in it?” The old man gave the elevator a long, calm, deliberate, scrutinizing stare, and exclaimed with joy: “By gosh! it’s a telephone! the first I ever saw!” AN EMERGENCY. A few days ago a man with a weak and humble expression, and wearing a summer suit of clothes, applied to one of the railroad passenger agents for a dead-head pass to Toledo. “Why when do you want to go to Toledo?” “To get married.” “And you haven’t any money?” “Not above twenty-five cents.” “Hadn’t you better be worth your fare to Toledo before taking a wife on your hands to support?” “You don’t understand the case,” protested the man. “I’m going to marry a widow worth at least $5,000, and the first thing I shall do will be to remit you the price of a ticket. I’m poor, and the widow knows it, but she marries me for love.” He protested so long and earnestly that he was finally passed down the road. Two days elapsed, and then a letter was received from him saying: “Heaven bless you for your kindness? Reached here all right, and married the widow according to programme. It turns out that she isn’t worth a copper. In this emergency may I ask you to pass us both to Detroit, where I have hopes of striking a job?” * * * * * The fellow who went into a sink hole clear to his nose remarked that it wasn’t much, as he had only gotten in up to his sneeze, and he had gum boots on. * * * * * “We have struck smoother road, haven’t we?” asked a passenger of a conductor on an Arkansas railway. “No.” replied the conductor. “We have only run off the track.” * * * * * Has it ever occurred to you that the initials N. J. stand not only for New Jersey, but New Jerusalem? There’s the same uncertainty of significance in certain words beginning with H—one of which is Heaven. * * * * * “You are the most stuck-up chap I ever saw,” remarked a young lady to a youth whom she met at a taffy pull. To which he replied: “And you are just as sweet as you are candid.” Another leap-year horror. * * * * * “Rebecca,” said Mose Schaumberg, an Austin merchant prince to his wife. “I vants you to gif me your photograph.” “Und vat in the vorld do you vant mit mine photograph?” inquired the wife. “I vants to paste it on mine pipe. Times vas so pad dad I vants to preak mineself of smoking,” answered Mose. * * * * *