Prejudices, fourth seriesMencken, H. L. (Henry Louis)
History
Prejudices, fourth series
Mencken, H. L. (Henry Louis)
American essays -- 20th century; American literature -- History and criticism; Literature -- History and criticism
Josephus changed all that. A Christian of tender conscience and a
firm believer in hell for the sinful, it appalled him to observe that
nine-tenths of the young men under his official charge were obviously
headed for the fire. When he got his secret reports of their doings in
Port Said, Callao, Singapore, Odessa, Smyrna, Vera Cruz, Norfolk, Va.,
and other such seaboard stews--when these lurid documents began pouring
in upon him from missionaries, Y. M. C. A. secretaries and other godly
men, he staggered under the horror, and was unfit for business for
days afterward. Having recourse to prayer, he was presently given
counsel by a voice from the burning bush. To hear was to act. First,
he abolished rum from the navy, and forced even the oldest admirals,
some of whom had been pickled for years and years, to go upon the
dubious water of far-flung and zymotic ports. Secondly, he forbade
the enlistment of young men who were fugitives from justice for
dog-stealing, moonshining, window-smashing and other such felonies--the
mainstays of the navy in the old days. Thirdly, he set up night schools
on every battleship, in charge of Christian men like himself, and then
day schools, and then schools running both day and night, and to the
customary instruction in the three R’s he added the whole curriculum
of the Y. M. C. A., from double-entry bookkeeping to public speaking,
and from show-card writing to venereal prophylaxis. Today a young man
goes into the navy from his native farm with nothing in his head save
a vast yearning to get away from the smell of cows--and comes out
in three years an accomplished paperhanger, with some knowledge of
the saxophone, electric wiring and first aid to the injured. The old
enlistment posters used to show a gob in a rickshaw with a Japanese
cutie; the new ones show him practising as a house and sign painter.
The old navy showed the boys the world, and taught them the difference
between Swedish punch and Javanese arrak; the new navy converts them
into sanitary plumbers and bookkeepers, and teaches them how to lead a
prayer-meeting.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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