Professor Tim & Paul Twyning : $b Comedies in three actsShiels, George
General
Professor Tim & Paul Twyning : $b Comedies in three acts
Shiels, George
Comedy plays; English drama -- Irish authors
PAUL. I will not. There has been far too much privacy and duplicity
already. I’ll answer your questions here and now, or not at all.
DEEGAN. Well, I’m not very clear as to your plans.
PAUL. I can soon clear the air. Daisy and I are going to settle with
the bank. When we get that done she’ll want me to go with her to a
lawyer to frame up a case aginst Mr. Deegan. But I’ll turn on my heel
and say, “Begone, adventuress! Paul Twyning is not a blackmailer!”
_The DEEGANS applaud._
DENIS. Yaha, yaha!
PAUL. What are you “yahaing” about, Denis?
DENIS. At your honesty. What else?
PAUL. Now I knocked the hat off before, Denis, but I’ll knock the
head off this time! [_Severely_] You’re an impudent little wart and
ill-set. If you were man’s size I’d clout you one. If you articulate
again, I’ll give you a bloody mouth.
PATRICK. Ould Dublin on the Liffey, by Mozes! Would fight with his
own shadow.... Go on, Paul.
PAUL. And now for my own terms.
DEEGAN. Oh!
PAUL. Why do you ejaculate? As a man of the world, you didn’t expect
a stranger to cultivate wrinkles over your affairs for nothing, did you?
DEEGAN. I expect nothing for nothing. Name your terms.
PAUL. Twenty pounds sterling. I want to hit Chicago a clout.
DEEGAN. Not unreasonable. I’ll do better, Paul. I’ll give you ten
pounds and Daniel’s ticket and portmanteau....
DAN [_wildly_]. Flames! am I not for the water?
DEEGAN. Silence, boy!... Mr. O’Hagan, has Daisy Mullan a case against
me for breach of contract?
O’HAGAN. She has. Once she settles with the bank she has a very good
case indeed. But without Paul Twyning’s evidence her case falls down.
PAUL. My sowl, with Dan’s ocean ticket and ten pounds in my fob,
she’ll have some fun serving me with a summons.
_The DEEGANS applaud._
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, you are a man of ripe understanding. If you
were in my shoes how would you meet this case?
PAUL. I’d sign the pub. over to Patrick and the farm to my son
Daniel, the said Patrick to pay me a small yearly rent, and the said
Daniel to pay me a pound a week for life, with the use of the grey mare
and trap on Sundays, market-days and Court days.
DEEGAN. Paul Twyning, you are a gifted man.... Patrick and Daniel,
would that settlement content you?
PATRICK. God bliss you, father. I’d never taste it again.
MRS. DEEGAN. It’s more than we desarve, granda.
DEEGAN [_to DAN_]. And what do you say, boy?
DAN [_lamely_]. Rose and me would be good to you, fader.... You could
do all the plannin’, and we’d do the work.... Rose can milk cows and
feed pigs and keep a house clean.
DEEGAN. That’s a wise answer, boy. I’ll speak to the priest myself,
and you’ll be married in three days.
DENIS. She’ll not come empty-handed. I’ll give her thirty pound and
the spotted cow.
DEEGAN. We neither want your spotted cow, nor your money, nor your
friendship.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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