I was wrong. The man expounded their true functions to me. Then I said, "I should just like to examine it underneath, if you wouldn't mind turning it on its back." The fellow told me that it was unnecessary and unusual--that I had seen all there was to see. This made me suspicious. I was certain he was trying to conceal some radical defect from me. So I made up my mind to see for myself. I took off my coat and crawled underneath. As I suspected, I found two large round holes in the flooring. When I had finished rubbing my head, I drew the man's attention to them. He was able to give a more or less reasonable excuse for them. I forget what he said they were--ventilators, I think. He concluded by saying that the instrument would be certain to give me the utmost satisfaction. "You would not recommend my having a more expensive one?" I asked. "A Stradivarius, or a Benvenuto Cellini?" He thought not; so we clinched the deal. "I think," I said, as I handed him my cheque, "that I should like my name-plate fixed on it somewhere--say, on one of the end notes that I shall never use." But he advised me against this. None of the players handicapped at scratch ever thought of such a thing. "Very well," I said. "Just wrap it up for me, and I'll----" "Hadn't we better send it for you," he suggested, "in one of our vans, in charge of our own men?" "Just so," I agreed. "Good morning." The piano duly arrived, and when we had taken the drawing-room door out of its socket and demolished a large portion of two walls, they got it in--just in. With care I can squeeze into the room. However, I am happy, though crowded, for I have achieved my heart's desire. It has been with me a year now. I must soon think of learning to play it. * * * * * THE PARAFFIN HABIT. [Illustration: (_Doctors generally are prescribing refined paraffin for various ailments._) _Mistress._ "The oil finished again, Mary? it seems to go very quickly." _Cook._ "It's the Master, Mum. Whenever 'e runs out of 'is 'refined' 'e comes a-dipping into this 'ere."] * * * * * The New Dramatist. From "Books Received" in _The Daily Chronicle_:-- "Misalliance, The Dark Lady of the Sonnets and Fanny's First Play; with a Treatise on Parents and Children, by Bernard Constable, 6s." * * * * * "Ouimet was born at Brookline.... As his name rather suggests, his parents were French Canadians, who moved to Brookline from Montreal."--_Pall Mall Gazette._ It seems a great deal for the name to suggest. * * * * * AT THE PLAY. "The Great Gamble."