E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Juliet Sutherland, and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 23604-h.htm or 23604-h.zip: (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/6/0/23604/23604-h/23604-h.htm) or (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/3/6/0/23604/23604-h.zip) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI VOLUME 104 APRIL 15th 1893 Edited by Sir Francis Burnand [Illustration: PERILOUS POSITION OF A GALLANT OFFICER OF VOLUNTEERS. _On a recent March, who_ (_ever thoughtful for the comfort of his hired Charger_) _chooses the cooling waters of the Ford in preference to the Bridge_. "HERE! HI! HELP, SOMEBODY! HOLD ON! I MEAN HALT! HE WON'T COME OUT, AND HE WANTS TO LIE DOWN, AND I BELIEVE HE'S GOING TO REAR!"] * * * * * POLITICAL MEETINGS. A CROWDED, gas-lit, stuffy hall, A prosy speaker, such a duffer, A mob that loves to stamp and bawl, Noise, suffocation--how I suffer! What is he saying? "Mr. G. Attacks the British Constitution, It therefore--er--er--falls to me To move the first--er--resolution: "That--_er_--the Shrimpington-on-Sea United Primrose Habitations Pronounce ('_Hear, hear!_') these Bills to be Iniquitous (_cheers_) innovations." I'll bear this heat and noise no more; _My_ constitution would be weaker. I hurry out, and find, next door, Another meeting and its speaker; Another crowded, stuffy hall, A frantic shouter, greater duffer, A mob more prone to stamp and bawl, Noise, suffocation still I suffer. What is _he_ saying? "Mr. G., Despite drink's cursed coalition, Dooms publicans (_groans_), as should be, On earth, as elsewhere, to perdition! "I move, the Shrimpington-on-Sea United Bands of Hope, with pleasure, Pronounce the Veto Bill to be A great (_cheers_), good (_shouts_), just (_roars_) measure." Enough! O frantic fools who rave And call it "Temperance"! This body Would drive me to an early grave; I'll hurry home and get some toddy. * * * * * ADVICE TO A YOUNG PARTY SCRIBE. YOU may, an it please you, be dull, (For Britons deem dulness "respectable"); Stale flowers of speech you may cull, With meanings now scarcely detectable; You may wallow in saturnine spite, You may flounder in flatulent flummery; Be sombre as poet YOUNG'S "_Night_," And dry as a Newspaper "Summary"; As rude as a yowling Yahoo, As chill as a volume of CHITTY; But oh, Sir, whatever you do, You must _not_ be witty!