_Next Day._--All the boys are now provided with separate plots, spades, rakes, and hoes. Youth, in fact, is at the Plough, and Myself at the Helm, so we ought to get on all right. I purchase for them some young cabbage-plants and cucumber-seeds, which will go down as "extras" in the bills at the end of Term. Boys very active first day. SMITH JUNIOR breaks his spade, and gets fifty lines. JONES astonishes me by talking about "Three Acres and a Cow." Find that his father is a strong Radical. Must be careful what I say to JONES. The general opinion seems to be that Gardening is better than _Bradley's Exercises_ "by long chalks." Encouraging. _Week Later._--In order to gain my prize for best cabbages, boys have been stimulating their growth with a guano made of chopped bones, slate-pencil dust, and ink! Surprisingly fine specimens in young DODGER'S allotment. Too good to be true. Go out to inspect, take up one of his cabbages, and find it has no roots. DODGER admits that he bought them from village greengrocer. I remark humorously to boys--"This is DODGER'S _plot_!" Boys cheer me, and, being indignant at DODGER'S cheating, make him--so I hear afterwards--"run the gauntlet" in the dormitory the same evening. Hope it will do the little sneak good. SMITH JUNIOR tries to do circus trick on garden roller. Nearly killed. Two hundred lines, and a page of _Bradley's Exercises_. Hear him saying that "he wishes OLD SWATS (that's me) would do his gardening himself, and see how _he_ likes it!" No, thanks. _End of the Experiment._--Kitchen garden a wreck! There has been a battle royal between FLASHBOYITES and SMITH JUNIORITES. FLASHBOY stole all the spades, and entrenched himself in an earthwork, which the other side stormed. SMITH JUNIOR bleeding but triumphant. Says "gardening is much better far than _Bradley's Exercises_." Cucumbers (bought as missiles) and potatoes lying all about. Several have got through school-room windows! Letters arrive from parents. Thought they would like the new agricultural departure as teaching their boys something really useful. But they don't. Quite indignant. Say their sons are "not intended for market-gardeners." SMITH JUNIOR'S parent says _his_ boy is "meant for the Church." Didn't know this before. SMITH JUNIOR will be an ornament of the Church Militant at any rate. Drop the gardening, and go back to _Bradley_. * * * * * "THE USUAL CHANNEL." To what snug refuge do I fly When glass is low, and billows high, And goodness knows what fate is nigh?-- My Cabin! Who soothes me when in sickness' grip, Brings a consolatary "nip," And earns my blessing, and his tip?-- The Steward! When persons blessed with fancy rich Declare "she" does not roll, or pitch, What say--"The case is hardly sich"?-- My Senses!