What makes me long for _real_ Free Trade, When no Douaniers could invade, Nor keys, when wanted, be mislaid?-- My Luggage! What force myself, perhaps another, To think (such thoughts we try to smother) "The donkey-engine is our brother"?-- Our Feelings! And what, besides a wobbling funnel, Screw-throb, oil-smell, unstable gunwale, Converts me to a Channel Tunnel?-- My Crossing! * * * * * COOKED AT HEREFORD. The strongest always rule the roast. Yes! we believe it fully; So what's the natural result, When COOKE'S opposed by PULLEY? Vain contest--vain the gallant fight! The winner's safely booked, And forty-four good witnesses Affirm the _poulet's_ cooked. [Illustration: THE POOR VICTIM! JOHN. "HM! GOOD; MIGHT BE BETTER!" JONATHAN. "HM! BAD; MIGHT BE WORSE!" THE SEAL. "THREE MONTHS' CLOSE-TIME! HM! MIGHT HA' MADE IT TWELVE!!"] * * * * * ONLY FANCY! [Illustration] Only fancy if the Earth were flat-- As most of those who live upon it are-- And you went too near the edge of it, and toppled from the ledge of it, And landed on a distant star! Only fancy, if you fell upon your feet, And recovered pretty quickly from the jar, And you understood the lingo which the people speak and sing, oh, Who dwell upon a distant star! Only fancy, only fancy, what a lot of things there are Very likely to be met with on a distant star. A goodish many things would prove Not exactly quite the same as here, I guess; P'raps the ladies _all_ are pretty, and the men all smart and witty, And marriage an unqualified success. P'raps, like WASHINGTON, they cannot tell a lie, And gossip is excluded from their talk; P'raps with them a thing of course is that beef isn't made of horses, And the milkmen haven't even heard of chalk! Only fancy, &c. Perhaps they've no occasion for police, Though they may keep just a few to spoon the cooks; If they do, no doubt they're wary whom they make Home Secretary, And the Chief Commissioner's chosen for his looks. Very likely, if they ever play a farce, It contains a pretty moral for the young, And perhaps their panorama has a mission, and their drama To the tune of the Old Hundredth's "said or sung." Only fancy, &c. Very likely they have guns that will not burst, And machinery that won't get out of gear; P'raps they've even ammunition in respectable condition, And vessels that are guaranteed to steer. And it's possible they have Vestries who refrain From swearing at each other when they meet; And, though _this_ isn't probable, they may have Boards "unjobable," And Contractors who will neither bribe nor cheat. Only fancy, &c.