Surely that should give you pause when you advocate your cause, With your button-hole adorned with tiny scrap of sky-blue silk; There's not half the danger in whisky, brandy, rum, or gin, As in typhoid-bearing water or in diphtheritic milk. We're not all gin-sodden sots, though we do not empty lots Of those enigmatic bottles, which to you are always dear, Filled with liquor, washy, sweet, aërated. Such a treat Is your execrable lemonade, your beastly ginger-beer! Other people do not rave from the cradle to the grave. The Frenchman takes his _petit verre_, his _Bordeaux_ or his _bock_; The German's limpid beer or his _Rheinwein_ none need fear. Even you would not be overcome by claret, say, or hock. Then if you are truly wise, you will cease to close your eyes To the fact that moderation is convincing, and should be In your words, as in our drink. Then we might more kindly think Of your thickly, sickly cocoa, and your nerve-exciting tea. * * * * * "EUREKA! EUREKA!"--His wife had heard the word. Had been told it was Greek: but what it meant she did not know. One night he came home from a bachelor smoking-party. "Oh," she exclaimed. "You absolutely reek of tobacco. _You reeker!_" Then it broke upon her like an ancient light that she was talking Greek without knowing it! * * * * * [Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON. _Precocious Infant._ "HELP YOURSELF, AND PASS THE BOTTLE!"] * * * * * THE CHAMPION SHAVER; _Or, A Task against Time_. _Largo al factotum!_ Shave all the world, one per minute! _Figaro_ beaten, _Poll Sweedlepipe_ plainly not in it! WICK of King's Road, Chelsea's champion chin-scraper, out of it! ROMOLA'S garrulous razor-man whipped, there's no doubt of it! Rustic's rough stubble, or working-man's wiry chin-bristle, Mown from his gills in a twinkling, as clean as a whistle. Even a bristly Hibernian boar he would gaily Tackle, and trim him as smooth as that downy young _Bailey_. Grand Old Tonsorial Hand with the soft-soap and lather; Knight of the Razor, of hand-sweep redoubtable--rather! PAT--or SHAGPAT-HODGE or BLUEBEARD, blue-gill'd British Workman, Muscovite hairy, or whiskered, moustache-twisting Turkman: Downy-cheeked boy, or big, wire-brushy Don Whiskerando!-- All one to him! All that sharp steel and soap-lather _can_ do Here is a Barber will buckle to, blade-armed, instanter, Challenge competitive rivals, and win in a canter. Neat NELLY WICK (thirteen men in ten minutes) is rather A good 'un to mow, to say naught of her champion father; But this Grand Old Shaver would shave,--against time, too, yes, trust us!-- _Elephas Primigenius_ (the Mammoth), or _Brontops Robustus!_