_Mr. Toov._ Dinner, eh? Yes, yes, dinner, to be sure. Mr. CURPHEW, will you take in my dau----(_correcting himself_)--oh, but, dear me, I was quite forgetting that--h'm!---- _Curph._ ----that Mrs. TOOVEY has been expressing an ardent impatience to close your doors on me for ever? _Mrs. Toov._ (_not over graciously_). That was before---- I mean that--considering the manner in which we all of us seem to have been more or less mixed up with the music-hall of late--we can't afford to be too particular. If Mr. WILDFIRE chooses to stay, he will find as warm a welcome as--(_with a gulp_)--he can _expect_! _Curph._ Many thanks, but I'm sure you see that I can't stay here on sufferance. If I do stay it must be as---- _Mrs. T._ As one of the family! (_She chokes._) That--that's understood, of course. (_To herself._) They know too much! _Mr. T._ (_to_ Mrs. T., _chirpily, as the others precede them in to dinner_). Do you know, my love, I'd no more idea you would ever have---- Well, well, it might have been worse, I daresay. But we must never let it get out about the _music-hall_, eh? _Mrs. T._ Well, Pa, _I_'m not very likely to allude to it! THE END. * * * * * "CRYSTAL-GAZING."--The Crystal Palace Company should adapt some of Mr. ANDREW LANG'S article on "Superstition" in this month's _Fortnightly_. Far more entertaining is the Sydenham building than any amount of "Crystal-gazing," and the directors have only to say (we make them a Christmas present of the suggestion), quoting from the article above-mentioned, "it is an ascertained fact that a certain proportion of men and women, educated, healthy," &c., &c., can obtain curious information, combined with amusement, by looking into the Crystal ... Palace. * * * * * EXAMPLE OF "BURNING WORDS."--Lighting the dining-room fire with the torn pages of an old book. * * * * * [Illustration: OUR COSTLY CLIMATE. "HULLO? OFF OUT OF TOWN SOMEWHERE?" "OFF TO CAIRO, MY BOY!" "CAIRO? WHY, ONLY THE OTHER DAY YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE AS POOR AS A CHURCH MOUSE!" "THAT'S JUST IT. I'VE SPENT FIVE YEARS' INCOME ON CLOTHING ALREADY THIS WINTER, AND I'M NOT WARM YET; AND I'VE CALCULATED THAT IT'LL TAKE SEVEN YEARS' INCOME MORE BEFORE I CAN KEEP THE COLD OUT. SO I'M OFF TO CAIRO TO STOP AT THE BEST HOTEL--IT'S FAR CHEAPER!"] * * * * * POISON IN THE PUMP. [A medical writer in the _Gentleman's Magazine_ says, "more people are killed by drinking water than are killed by drinking alcohol."] Think of that, teetotal folks, heed not WILFRED LAWSON'S jokes And his gay, impromptu poems which he reads when on the stump, Here's a doctor says that you will indubitably do Quite a foolish thing in swearing by your sweetly sober pump.