_British Minister, Bern, to Lord Rosebery, London._--A MR. JONES, who says he's a British subject, went up Pilatus to get view. Didn't get it. Also complains of overcharge for candles at his hotel. Have demanded immediate satisfaction from Swiss Government. Please send Mediterranean Squadron to Locarno. _Lord Rosebery, London, to British Minister, Bern._--Can't spare the Squadron. Won't a gunboat do? You may speak strongly to Swiss Government. Tell them insult to JONES is insult to England. Meanwhile, wire best route for fleet to get up to Bern, if necessary. Don't see it on map. _Brit. Min., B., to Lord R._--Owing to Mediterranean Squadron not having appeared at Locarno, Swiss Government very aggressive. Passenger steamers on Lakes of Geneva, Thun, and Lucerne being converted into a fleet. Special new _corps d'armée_ formed from Chamounix guides and patriotic hotel waiters. Man (whose name was ROBINSON) mistaken for JONES, and mobbed in streets last night. Some kind of Naval Demonstration absolutely necessary. Put ships on rail at Locarno, send 'em through Gothard Tunnel, and there you are! _Lord R. to Brit. Min., B._--British Government recognises gravity of the JONES incident. What do you advise? Aren't the Alps in the way? _Brit. Min., B., to Lord R._--Didn't like to suggest details. Send ironclads. Ram something. Why not bombard Alps. Gunboat moored at Devil's Bridge might shell Andermatt. Leave it to you. _Lord R. to Brit. Min., B._--Sorry to say, European complications have now arisen from JONES incident. Swiss Government has offered its fleet to Russia and France. Triple Alliance tottering. Can't you get Swiss Government to apologise to JONES, and end business? _Brit. Min. to Lord R._--Business _is_ ended. JONES not a British subject after all, but a Swede, who's travelled in America! Recall gunboat. * * * * * [Illustration: THE SPREAD OF CULTURE DOWNWARDS. "ULLO, MARY, WHAT'S THIS? NAME OF THE 'OUSE?" "NO, MR. IGNORANCE; IT'S A LATIN WORD, AND MEANS 'PLEASE TO WIPE YOUR FEET!'"] * * * * * "RESH'PROSH'TY." ["What struck the TZAR ... in the recent festivities, was the feeling of fraternity which seemed to pervade the multitude.... The feeling of concord and fraternity appears to survive the last echoes of the festivities.... The word now most frequently heard is 'Amnesty.' This, indeed, is the fittest coping-stone to prolonged festivities characterised by universal concord."--_Times' Paris Correspondent._]