"Well, it used to be an old way of yours," returned SCROOGE'S nephew. "Why, uncle, don't you remember? You used to be interfering with and ordering about everything. Taking up the road and closing the thoroughfare. Bothering the costermongers and the retail shopkeepers and the small householders. In fact, making yourself a general nuisance in all directions. Why, uncle, you have entirely changed your nature!" "Not at all," said SCROOGE. "I am not changed, but my office is. Do you not know that I have ceased to be a member of the London County Council?" "No, this is the first time I have heard of it! Why, that accounts for everything! It explains why you are a pleasant, good-natured old gentleman in lieu of a curmudgeon and a brute. It explains everything." And it did! * * * * * [Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD. _Noble Philanthropist._ "THAT PARCEL SEEMS RATHER HEAVY FOR YOU, MY LITTLE MAN! LET ME TAKE IT!" _Small boy._ "LET YER TYKE MY PARCEL! GARN WITH YER. I'LL CALL THE PERLICE!"] * * * * * NAME! NAME!--No name has been announced for the new daily paper projected by Mr. STEAD. In view of the plan frankly set forth in the prospectus, whereby one hundred thousand persons are to subscribe the capital, and if the venture proves a success the enterprising editor is to have the option of acquiring the property, a suitable title would be, _Heads-I-Win-Tails-You-Lose_. It is a little long, perhaps; but it precisely describes the relative positions, and you can't--at least some people can't--have everything. * * * * * DRAMATIC RECIPE (FROM THE QUEEN'S COOKERY BOOK).--First catch your HARE. * * * * * THE DARK CONTINENT IN TWO LIGHTS. SCENE--_A conquered country._ TIME--_The Past. Conquerors (colonists) panting after their hard work in defeating the natives. Enter an_ Official. _The remaining members of the Colonial Band sing the National Anthem._ _Official._ I congratulate you upon your success. The more especially as you have gained it without the assistance of the Imperial power. (_The Colonists indulge in feeble cheers._) But now my turn has arrived. In the name of the SOVEREIGN I claim this land for England! [_Plants the British Flag. Curtain._ SCENE--_As before._ TIME--_The Present. Conquerors (colonists) smoking after the pleasant toil of mowing down the natives. Enter an_ Official. _The Colonial Band (in its entirety) takes no notice_. _Official._ I congratulate you upon your success. The more especially as you have gained it without the assistance of the Imperial power. (_The Colonists indulge in roars of laughter._) But now my turn has arrived. In the name of the SOVEREIGN I claim this land for England! _Colonists._ No you don't! Be off! We can get on without you! [_Turns Official and his Flag out of the Country. Curtain._ * * * * *