_Author (amazed)._ No profits! And you really mean to tell me that the public has not thought fit to purchase my shilling work of genius--_The Maiming of Mendoza?_ By our agreement only a paltry six thousand copies of the work had to be bought before my royalty of a penny a volume began. _Publisher._ I am quite aware of it. The sale of the six thousand copies would just about have repaid us for cost of production. As a matter of fact, only three thousand have been sold. We've lost heavily, and very much regret we were ever induced to accept the work. _Author._ And you really ask me to believe that after such a sale as that a loss on your part is possible? Why, if you take price of printing at---- [_Goes elaborately into cost of production._ _Publisher._ Yes, but you see the price of everything has gone up in our trade. Binding is now ten per cent. dearer, composing is---- [_Also goes into precise and prolonged details._ _Author (turning desperate at last)._ Oh, let us end this chatter! You really say that no cheque whatever is due to me for all my labours? _Publisher._ Not a single penny. It's the other way about. _Author (leaving)._ And you call this "the beneficial system of royalties," do you? Good day! And if I don't set the Society of Authors at you before I am a day older, then my name's not BULWER MAKEPEACE DEFOE SMITH! [_Exit tempestuously._ AS THEY MAY BE TO-MORROW. _Utterly Unknown Novelist._ Then I am afraid that my last three-volumed work of fiction, in spite of the cordial way in which it was reviewed by my brother-in-law in the _Weekly Dotard_, my maternal uncle in the _Literary Spy_, and a few other relatives on the daily press, has not upon the whole been a decided success? _Publisher._ Well, it's useless to conceal the fact, that from a mere base material point of view, the publication of _The Boiling of Benjamin_ has not quite answered our expectations. In fact, we have lost a couple of thousand pounds over it. But (_more cheerfully_) what of that? It is a pleasure to lose money over introducing good work to the public; a positive privilege to be sacrificed on such an altar as _The Boiling of Benjamin_. So say no more on _that_ head! _U. U. Novelist (enthusiastically)._ Good and generous man! But I will say more! You recollect that the terms you made with me were a thousand pounds down, and a hundred pounds a month for life or until the copyright expired? _Publisher (groaning slightly)._ Oh, yes! I remember it very well. _U. U. Novelist._ And that I have already received cheques for one thousand and five hundred pounds, without your mentioning a word about the loss you have been nobly and silently enduring? _Publisher._ An agreement's an agreement, and you are only experiencing one result of the beneficial system of royalties.