_P. Guest_ (_on bidding her host good-night_). I can assure you my gown was not injured in the least. I am quite sure it was only an accident. _Master_ (_bowing_). You are most kind. (_With great severity._) As a matter of fact, the man only came to us this afternoon, but, after what has happened, he shall not remain in my service another hour! I shall dismiss him to-night! [_Exit_ Principal Guest. Master _pays_ MONTAGU _the agreed fee for his services for the evening. Curtain._ * * * * * TO A PHILANTHROPIST. You ask me, Madam, if by chance we meet, For money just to keep upon its feet That hospital, that school, or that retreat, That home. I help that hospital? My doctor's fee Absorbs too much. Alas! I cannot be An inmate there myself; he comes to me At home. Do not suppose I have too close a fist. Rent, rates, bills, taxes, make a fearful list; I should be homeless if I did assist That home. I must--it is my impecunious lot-- Economise the little I have got; So if I see you coming I am "not At home." My clothes are shabby. How I should be dunned By tailor, hatter, hosier, whom I've shunned, If I supported that school clothing fund, That home! I'd help if folks wore nothing but their skins; This hat, this coat, at which the street-boy grins, Remind me still that "Charity begins At home." * * * * * Kiss versus Kiss. On the cold cannon's mouth the Kiss of Peace Should fall like flowers, and bid its bellowings cease!-- But ah! that Kiss of Peace seems very far From being as strong as the _Hotch_kiss of War! * * * * * [Illustration: QUALIFIED ADMIRATION. _Country Vicar._ "WELL, JOHN, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LONDON?" _Yokel._ "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR, IT'LL BE A FINE PLACE _WHEN IT'S FINISHED_!"] * * * * * PAGE FROM "ROSEBERY'S HISTORY OF THE COMMONWEALTH." (_With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the Gentleman who will have to design "that statue."_) "You really must join the Army," said the stern old Puritan to the Lord Protector. "The fate of this fair realm of England depends upon the promptness with which you assume command." OLIVER CROMWELL paused. He had laid aside his buff doublet, and had donned a coat of a thinner material. His sword also was gone, and hanging by his side was a pair of double spy-glasses--new in those days--new in very deed. "I cannot go," cried the Lord Protector at last, "it would be too great a sacrifice." "You said not that," pursued IRETON--for it was he--"when you called upon CHARLES to lose his head."