"WHAT'S UP WI' SAL?" "AIN'T YER ERD? SHE'S MARRIED AGIN!"] * * * * * "AUXILIARY ASSISTANCE" IN THE PROVINCES. (_A Tragedy-Farce in several painful Scenes, with many unpleasant Situations._) LOCALITY--_The Interior of Country Place taken for the Shooting Season. Preparations for a feast in all directions. It is Six o' Clock, and the household are eagerly waiting the appearance of_ MONTAGU MARMADUKE, the Auxiliary Butler, _sent in by Contract. Enter_ MONTAGU MARMADUKE, _in comic evening dress._ _Master_ (_looking at_ MONTAGU _with an expression of disappointment on his face_). What, are _you_ the man they have sent me? _Montagu._ Yessir. And I answers to MONTAGU MARMADUKE, or some gentlemen prefers to call me by my real name BINKS. _Master._ Oh, MONTAGU will do. I hope you know your duties? _Mon._ Which I was in service, Sir, with Sir BARNABY JINKS, for twenty-six years, and---- _Master._ Very well, I daresay you will do. I suppose you know about the wine? _Mon._ Yessir. In course. I've been a teetotaler ever since I left Sir BARNABY'S. _Master_ (_retiring_). And mind, do not murder the names of the guests. [_Exit._ [_The time goes on, and Company arrive._ MONTAGU _ushers them upstairs, and announces them under various aliases._ Sir HENRY EISTERFODD _is introduced as_ Sir 'ENERY EASTEREGG, _&c., &c._ _After small talk, the guests find their way to the dining-room._ _Mon._ (_to_ Principal Guest). Do you take sherry, claret, or 'ock, my Lady? _Principal Guest_ (_interrupted in a conversation_). Claret, please. [MONTAGU _promptly pours the required liquid on to the table-cloth._ _Master._ I must apologise, but our Butler, who is on trial, is very short-sighted. _P. Guest._ Evidently. [_The wine is brought round;_ MONTAGU _interrupting the conversation with his hospitable suggestions, and pouring claret into champagne glasses, and champagne into sherries._ _Nervous Guest_ (_in an undertone to_ MONTAGU). Do you think you could get me, by-and-by, a piece of bread? _Mon._ Bread, Sir, yessir! (_In stentorian tones._) Here, NISBET, bring this gent some bread! [_The unfortunate guest, who is overcome with confusion at having attracted so much attention, is waited upon by_ NISBET. _Master_ (_savagely_). Can't you go about more quietly? _Mon._ (_hurt_). Certainly, Sir. When I was with Sir BARNABY---- (_Disappears murmuring to himself, and returns with entrée, which he lets fall on dress of_ Principal Guest). Beg pardon, my Lady, but it was my stud, which _would_ come undone. Very sorry, indeed, Mum, but if you will allow me---- [_Produces a soiled dinner-napkin with a flourish._ _P. Guest_ (_in much alarm_). No thanks! [_General commiseration, and, a little later, disappearance of ladies. After this,_ MONTAGU _does not reappear except to call obtrusively for carriages, and tout for tips._