_Wednesday._--Letter in _Times_ from BYRON REED. Says I'm not so bad as they want to make me out. Nice sensible fellow BYRON. Shall make him Minister of Agriculture. Have sent ultimatums to SALISBURY, BALFOUR, AKERS-DOUGLAS, MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH, and CHAPLIN, ordering them to retire from public life. Shall run the show on entirely different lines with AUSTEN and JESSE to help me. Have heard from editor of _New Review_, who refuses to disclose name of author, of an attack on me. Have sent HENRY JAMES to editor with new patent rack and thumbscrews. But there, my name's easy. Never could bear malice. Always forgive everybody.... Notes from SALISBURY, BALFOUR & CO. They refuse to retire. HENRY JAMES returns. Editor broke rack and threw thumbscrews out of window. A very rude man, HENRY JAMES says. GULLY elected Speaker. I'm off to Birmingham. * * * _Later._--Letter from HART DYKE in the _Times_. A good fellow, HART DYKE. But why, in the name of screw-nails, should they all presume to patronise _me?_ * * * Letter in _Standard_ from STANLEY BOULTER. Must stop that kind of nonsense. Leading article in _Standard_. Usual futilities: "We fully recognise loyal services, but on the present occasion," &c. Shall refuse peerage and retire to Central Australia with JESSE to found a Me-colony. Sick of the whole show. * * * * * QUEER QUERY.--ANY ADVANCE?--I see that at the Shop Assistants' Conference at Cardiff it was said that what shop-workers ought to go in for was a "Forward Policy." Surely this must be a mistake? If there is one thing that everybody objects to, it is forward young men and women behind the counter. One often hears the shop-walker say, "Will you come forward, Miss JONES, and serve this lady!" And perhaps _that_ was what the Cardiff people were thinking of. Can this be the true explanation? I sincerely hope so; I don't want a "forward" young person, a sort of "independent labour party," slamming down goods for _me_ to inspect!--ALARMED. * * * * * End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 27, 1895, by Various