* * * * * PROPOSED RULES FOR THE LADIES' UNIVERSAL ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION. (_Compiled by One thoroughly Conversant with the Necessities of the Situation._) 1. The costume of every member of the Club shall be of the most elegant description. The design shall not be governed by the requirements of the game for which the uniform is required, but rather by the characteristics of the wearer. 2. Red and blue shall be worn according to the complexion of the player, and the choice of teams shall depend not upon prowess or locality, but the colour of the hair and eyes and the formation of the noses. 3. Patent leather shoes shall invariably form a part of the _grande tenue_ of the Club, with high heels at discretion. 4. Football shall be played with a light india-rubber globe, and "pushing" shall be strictly forbidden. However, it shall be permissible for one player to hold an opponent tightly by the hands if the former thinks the latter is about to give it "quite a hard kick" with her toe. 5. No angry language will be allowed, but one member may tell another, in the height of an exciting contest, that she is "a spiteful, disagreeable old thing." On very special occasions the word "There!" may be added with emphasis. 6. Cricket shall never be allowed to last for more than half an hour, and cups of tea shall be served to the strikers between the overs. 7. Only ladies shall be permitted to watch the game of the members, as a rule. However, at times when everyone is looking her best, individuals of the inferior sex shall be admitted to the football ground or cricket field, on the condition that they "promise not to laugh." 8. Players at football, cricket, and other games sanctioned by the Association, shall have full liberty to make their own rules and keep their own appointments. They will be usually expected to wait until a match is finished, unless called away to take a drive in the Park, or do a little shopping. 9 and Lastly. As women are as excellent as men at field sports, the members of the Club shall be entitled to the franchise. * * * * * [Illustration: SEQUELÆ! _The General._ "_YOU_'VE HAD IT, I SUPPOSE?" _The Judge._ "I SHOULD THINK SO. I'M AS WEAK AS A RAT!" _The General._ "THAT'S NOTHING. _I'M_ AS WEAK AS _TWO_ RATS!" _The Judge._ "BUT _TWO_ RATS ARE STRONGER THAN _ONE_ RAT!" _The General._ "IF YOU ARGUE, I SHALL CRY!"] * * * * * THE LATEST FROM SOL. SCENE--_The Sun. First Solarist discovered reading local journal to Second Solarist._ _First Solarist._ I say, have you seen what this century's _Earth_ says? _Second Solarist._ No; it's much too hot for reading newspapers. _First S._ Why, the idiotic people on that ridiculous little planet have just discovered the existence of Helium! _Second S._ Dear me! How long have they taken about that?