PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 109. JULY 27, 1895. THE LOST RECORD. (_The Wail of a Wiped-out Wheelman._) AIR--"_The Lost Chord._" Reading one day in our "Organ," I was happy and quite at ease. A band was playing the "_Lost Chord_," Outside--in three several keys. But _I_ cared not how they were playing, Those puffing Teutonic men; For I'd "cut the record" at cycling, And was ten-mile champion then! It flooded my cheeks with crimson, The praise of my pluck and calm; Though that band seemed blending "Kafoozleum" With a touch of the Hundredth Psalm. But my joy soon turned into sorrow, My calm into mental strife; For my Record was "cut" on the morrow, And it cut _me_, like a knife. A fellow had done the distance In the tenth of a second less! And henceforth my name in silence Was dropt by the Cycling Press. I have sought--but I seek it vainly-- With that Record again to shine. Midst crack names in our Cycling Organ, But they never mention mine It may be some day at the Oval I may cut that Record again, But at present the Cups are given To better--_or_ luckier--men! * * * * * [Illustration: CONCLUSIVE. SCENE--_Hibernian Table d'hôte._ _Guest._ "WAITER! I SAY--THIS IS PORK! I WANT MUTTON!" _Waiter_ (_rather bustled_). "YES SOR IT'S MUTTON YE _WANT_--BUT IT'S PORK YE'LL _HAVE!_"] * * * * * OF COURSE.--Directly it was known that Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT had accepted an invitation to contest West Monmouthshire, and that Mr. WARMINGTON had generously offered to retire in his favour, there was a rush for the evident joke of styling the self-effacing Q.C. "Mr. WARMINGPAN." It is uncertain which paper was the first to get the Warmingpan into its sheets. Sir WILLIAM did not find the vacated seat too hot to hold him. Just nice. * * * * * NEW TITLES.--Sir HENRY LOCH is created Baron LOCH of Drylaw. The title will be appropriately written out on parchment. For was there ever a more dry-as-dust title than that of a Barren Loch and Dry Law!! Mr. STERN comes to the front as Baron WANDSWORTH: not of Wandsworth Common, "and so," as a Shakspearian clown might say, "the title is uncommon." Finally Cock a doodle doo! Lord HOUGHTON'S Earl of Crewe! being, evidently, the living representative of SHAKSPEARE'S "Early Village Cock." * * * * * SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. BALLOTERY.--The Cork Agricultural Society had before it a proposal of the County Board to rent their ground for holding sports. The Chairman said, "It was to be understood that the grounds would only be let on the understanding that no drink would be sold, and that _no political meetings or gambling_ would be allowed."