"Well, well," murmured the visitor; "you may be right. But I should like to see the result. I will wait until the performance is given, and judge for myself." "I am sorry I cannot assist you to carry out this scheme," declared the Manager of the Progressive Music Hall, "because we are not going to have an entertainment." "No, of course not. Of course it won't be an entertainment in the usual sense of the word. It can't naturally be an entertainment--I should have said a performance." "But we give neither entertainment nor performance." "Why not?" Then came the answer, which was more convincing than surprising--"Because, my dear Sir, we can't get an audience!" * * * * * THE NEW HOTEL ON THE EMBANKMENT.-- Our Dear _Daily News_, in a recent note, says that the "Hôtel Magnifique" (as it ought to be called, reminding us as the D. _D. N._ justly observes of the _Hôtel Splendide_ in Paris) has been already styled by its proprietors _The Cecil_. "The Cecil!"--"There is only one in it," observes bluntly a certain well-known comedian, quoting the song "_There's only one in it, that's me!_" And pleased is ARTHUR CECIL with the gratuitous advertisement. But _The Cecil!_ Good name for club, not for hotel. _The Sarum_ sounds too ecclesiastical; so we return to _The Magnificent_, which can be familiar in our mouths as "_The Mag._" "_Omne ignotum pro magnifico._" * * * * * "Odd notice!" observed a short-sighted man, who had been cursorily inspecting a card stuck up in a Restaurant's. "What is?" inquired his friend. "Why this," was the short-sighted one's reply, pointing to the notice; "'_No charge for changing plates._' Who ever heard of----" But here his friend broke in, "Why, you noodle, you've been reading a photographer's advertisement!" * * * * * [Illustration: A SIMPLE DEFINITION. MASTER JOHNNY BULL. "MONROE DOCTRINE! WHAT _IS_ THE 'MONROE DOCTRINE'?" MASTER JONATHAN. "WA-AL--GUESS IT'S THAT EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE BE-LONGS TO _US!_"] * * * * * [Illustration: A NICE DISTINCTION. _Porter._ "TRAIN'S AWA, MAN. YE SHOULD HAE RAN FASTER." _Passenger._ "RAN FASTER! DOD, 'A RAN FAST ENEUGH, BUT 'A SHOULD HA'E STARTIT SOONER."] * * * * * ANOTHER CONFERENCE OF WOMEN WORKERS. (_Not held at Nottingham._) SCENE--_The garish but unsavoury "Saloon Bar" of a "South-side Pub." A group of "Daughters of Toil" sipping and gossiping._ _Laundress_ (_throwing down newspaper_). Wot's this 'ere National Union of Women Workers there's so much cackle about? _Step Girl_ (_sullenly_). Dunno, I'm sure. _We_'re not in it, anyhow. _Workman's Wife._ Ho no! _We_ ain't women workers, I suppose, _we_ ain't! _Laundress._ Then I should like ter know where they find 'em. (_Sips "white satin" and sniffs._)