_Lady Sparkish._ Well, Sir JOHN, we must admit that the growth of Science keeps pace with the spread of Stupidity. So doubtless the time will soon come when pocket-phonographs will obviate the necessity of individual vocal efforts, and leave men to give undivided attention to their dinners, matrons to their daughters' marriage-chances, maidens to the marriageable men, and marriageable men to their--moustaches! _Mr. Neverout._ Unless, indeed, when we know all we shall be silent about everything. _Lord Sparkish._ Quite likely, my dear NEVEROUT. Already talk--except in spurts and spasms--is confined mainly to childhood--first or second. Of the Seven Ages of Man--I say nought about Woman, ladies!--why, the first and last only are loquacious. _Lady Smart._ In which of the two garrulous stages would you place Parliament, my Lord? _Lord Sparkish._ The Commons in the former; the Lords in the latter. _Colonel Alwit._ And the Hibernian Members? _Lord Sparkish._ Oh, faith! an "iligant" blend of _both!!!_ _Lady Answerall._ Well, _I_ agree with sweet WILLIAM'S _Gratiano_, that-- "Silence is only commendable In a neat's tongue dried, and a maid not vendible." _Mr. Neverout._ While your Ladyship speaks, speech will ever be silvern! _Miss Notable._ And silence is not yet golden--in the Shades. * * * * * A BATTLE IN A SODA-WATER BOTTLE. It appears that the enterprising commanders of the Royal Artillery stationed at Dover have recently been getting themselves disliked by the members of the National Alliance of Mineral Waters Associations (Limited), by producing gaseous waters at the canteen under their control, and offering them for sale to their comrades in garrison. According to a story laid before the Secretary of State for War, the representatives of the scientific branch of the army in question have had dealings with the gallant West Surrey and the equally gallant West Riding, much to the disgust of the trading producers of non-alcoholic compounds. The 3rd Battalion of the King's Own Rifle Corps (late 60th) are also at Dover, but there is no evidence to show that these warriors have preferred "R. A. aërateds" to brands as yet better known to the consumers of effervescing drinks. According to the _Daily Telegraph_, this labour, savouring more of peace than of war, enabled the controllers of the cannon to contribute some £40 in prizes to the garrison sports held at Dover on Saturday last. Whether the financial game was worth the athletic candle is a matter that must be decided by military experts qualified to weigh the respective advantages of burning "villainous saltpetre" and preparing that exhilarating liquid known amongst civilians as "fizzle." Admittedly, lemonade and its companion "ginger pop" when they scintillate are grateful drinks, but it would scarcely be advisable if through the, no doubt, well intentioned efforts of those concerned, the Royal Artillery gained an