Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, September 28, 1895Various
General
Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, September 28, 1895
Various
English wit and humor -- Periodicals
To be a successful delineator you should cultivate the art of
squinting. Do this readily and naturally, without any apparent effort.
This completely baffles the subject, for even if you catch _his_
eye, you may safely defy him to catch yours. Beside, it economises
time. In a crowd you can often thus kill two birds with one stone, or
stony stare. If, however, nature has denied you this accomplishment,
instead of squinting, you may wink the other eye. But this is sometimes
misconstrued, as it has a rather challenging effect. You may find
yourself (if the subject is a lady) head over ears in a flirtation--or
in a somersault down the stairs--according to circumstances, before you
know where you are.
Acquire the habit of taking physiognomical snap-shots. Practise this
until, by merely glancing at a person in a good light for, say the
twentieth of a second, you can secure a mental picture of his or her
character, habits, and hobbies. You can develop and intensify, if
necessary, these useful little views at home, bringing out further
details as to the subject's bank-balance, latest _affaire de coeur_,
or number of first-cousins-once-removed. All these points can be
elucidated with a little patience and imagination.
Always, in conversing with a chance acquaintance you may meet in the
street, gaze steadily at the brim of his hat, or study his necktie with
a fixed and critical stare. This will make him think there is something
wrong. He will fidget, and become nervous, revealing the inmost secrets
of his soul. You then easily bag your instantaneous view, and depart
abruptly with triumph. He will cut you dead next time, but that doesn't
matter. You have added him to your collection, and can sail in quest of
fresh specimens.
Some ladies rather like their new bonnets being examined. Learn,
therefore, to do this with respectful admiration, and be prepared with
an instant and favourable criticism. It is as well to master a few
technical terms, so as to avoid, for example, confusing an _aigrette_
with a _toque_.
If, on the other hand, your lady victims resent their head-gear or
hair-dye being too closely examined, you must fall back on mental
arithmetic. Calculate how many barleycorns it would take to go round
the equator, or how many white beans there are in five black ones. If
these sums are too hard to be done on the spur of the moment, work them
out at home, and learn the results by heart, before sallying forth on
your head-hunting expeditions.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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