"When the men went to the scale, the Welshman was found to be half-a-pound over the stipulated 8st., but he was allowed time to get this off, and just before three o'clock he passed the weight, while Ladbury weighed 7st. 14-1/4 lb."--_Yorkshire Post._ Rather bad luck on the Welshman, who had been sprinting madly round the arena for some hours with eight ounces which nobody wanted, to find afterwards that LADBURY'S extra four ounces were entirely ignored. * * * * * "Since tea the crowd had swelled considerably." _South African News._ An air of dough-nuts hangs over this sentence. * * * * * [Illustration: _The Lady._ "HALLO, COUNT! WHAT'S HAPPENED?" _The Count_ (_who has come off at the third obstacle_). "ONCE I JUMP AND MY HORSE HE CATCH ME; THEN I JUMP AND HE ONLY CATCH ME A LITTLE; ANOZER TIME I JUMP AND HE MISS ME ALTOGEZER."] * * * * * THE QUALITIES THAT COUNT. (_Suggested by a recent vindication of the "right but ruffling attitude" of the new and true artist._) If you're anxious to acquire a reputation For enlightened and emancipated views, You must hold it as a duty to discard the cult of Beauty And discourage all endeavours to amuse. You must back the man who, obloquy enduring, Subconsciousness determines to express; Who, in short, is "elemental," "unalluring," But "arresting" in his Art--or in his dress. Again, if you're desirous of attaining Pre-eminence in places where they play, Don't supply the smallest spoonful of the pleasing or the tuneful Or you'll chuck your very finest chance away. But be truculent, ferocious and ungentle And the critics will infallibly acclaim Your work as unalluring, elemental But arresting and exalted in its aim. Or is your cup habitually brimming With water from the Heliconian fount? Then remember the hubristic, the profane and pugilistic Are the only kinds of poetry that count. So select a tragic argument, ensuring The maximum expenditure of gore, And the epithets arresting, unalluring, Elemental, will re-echo as before. But if your bent propels you into fiction, You should clearly and completely understand That your duty in a novel is not to soar, but grovel, If you want it to be profitably banned. So be lavish and effusive in suggesting A malignant and mephitic atmosphere, And you're sure to be applauded as arresting, Elemental, unalluring and sincere. If you meditate a matrimonial venture That will turn the cheek of Mrs. Grundy pale, Don't be lured by pretty faces or by dainty airs and graces That entrap the unsophisticated male. No, look out for what is vital, transcendental, And ask yourself, before you choose your wife, "Is she wholly unalluring, elemental But arresting in her attitude to life?"