Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Vol. 147. September 23, 1914. * * * * * Illustration: THE ALIEN. _Chorus._ "BOO! 'OO KISSED 'ER 'AND TO THE KAISER LARST TIME 'E COME OVER? YAR! BLOOMIN' GERMAN!" * * * * * CHARIVARIA. The KAISER, we are told, travels with an asbestos hut. We fancy, however, that it is not during his lifetime that the most pressing need for a fire-proof shelter will arise. * * * "The Germans," said one of our experts last week, "are retreating to what looks like a bottle-neck exit." Their fondness for the bottle is, of course, well known and may yet be their undoing. * * * _The Times_, one day, gave a map showing "The Line of Battle in Champagne." It was, as might have been expected, a very wobbly line. * * * A somewhat illiterate correspondent writes to say that he considers that the French ought to have allowed the Mad Dog to retain Looneyville. * * * The German papers publish the statement that a Breslau merchant has offered 30,000 marks to the German soldier who, weapon in hand, shall be the first to place his feet on British soil. By a characteristic piece of sharp practice the reward, it will be noted, is offered to the man personally and would not be payable to his next of kin. * * * With one exception all goods hitherto manufactured in Germany can be made just as well here. The exception is Lies. * * * We have been requested to deny the rumour that Mr. A. C. BENSON'S forthcoming Christmas book is to be a Eulogy of German Culture and is to bear the title, _Some Broken Panes From a College Window_ (_in Louvain_). * * * A Corps of Artists for Home Defence is being formed, and the painter members are said to be longing for a brush with the enemy. * * * Cases have been brought to our notice by racing men of betting news having been delayed on more than one occasion owing to the wires being required for war purposes. We are confident that if a protest were made to Lord KITCHENER he would look very closely into the matter. * * * Another item reaches us from the dear old village of Pufflecombe this week. The oldest inhabitant met a stranger. "'Scuse me, Zur," he said, "but be you from Lunnon town?" The visitor nodded. "Then maybe, Zur," said the rustic, "you can tell me if it be true, as I have heerd tell, that relations 'tween England and Germany be strained?" * * * * * "If every man and woman in the country were mated, the number of men who would still remain bachelors would more than equal the entire population."--_Daily News._ The Press Bureau cannot guarantee the truth of this. * * * * *