Produced by Jane Hyland, Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 150. APRIL 12, 1916 [Illustration: _Junior Sub._ "THE COLONEL SAYS WILL YOU DISMISS THE PARADE, SIR?" _Newly-mounted Captain._ "CONFOUND IT! DO IT YOURSELF, SMITH. I'M BUSY RIDING."] * * * * * CHARIVARIA. We are in a position to state that the efficiency of Germany's new submersible Zeppelins has been greatly exaggerated. *** Many schemes for coping with our L2,100,000,000 War indebtedness are before the authorities, and at least one dear old lady has written suggesting that they should hold a bazaar. *** It is stated that the monkey market at Constantinople, which for hundreds of years has supplied the baboons found in Turkish harems, has closed down. German competition is said to be responsible for the incident. *** The Government's indifference to the balloon type of aircraft has received a further illustration. They have rejected Highgate's fat conscript. *** German scientists are now making explosives out of heather. Fortunately the secret of making Highlanders out of the same material still remains in our hands. *** Deference to one's superiors in rank is all very well up to a point, but we should never go so far as to allow an article by a titled war-correspondent to be headed "The Great Offensive at Verdun." *** British songsters, says a writer in _The Daily Chronicle_, are now being illegally used to regale the wealthy gourmets of the West End in place of the foreign varieties, which can no longer be imported. For ourselves, who are nothing if not British, we are glad of any sign that native musicians are coming by their own. *** The practice of interning travellers in Tube and other stations during the progress of Zeppelin raids on the North-East Coast having become extremely popular, it is suggested that some much-needed revenue might be obtained by imposing a small tax--a penny, say, per hour--upon those who thus enjoy the protection and hospitality of our railways. *** It is officially announced that Oxford is to have no more Rhodes Kolossals. *** Lord ROBERT CECIL admitted in Parliament last week that the contraband list is to be enlarged, and it is rumoured that, notwithstanding the serious effect the step may have in the United States and elsewhere, the list will be extended to include munitions of war. ***