An hour later he was awakened by a tremendous knocking at the front-door. Resolutely turning on to his other side, he tried to ignore it, but the fusillade continued and swelled. Only when it appeared likely to do permanent and irreparable damage to the building did he rush out on to the landing. There he met Kit, half awake, with his eyelids tightly gummed together. "That ass Bill," he said peevishly. "Forgotten his latchkey most likely. Serve him right if we left him there!" "My good man, one must sleep." Charles ran downstairs, opened the door and indignantly confronted the glistening figure on the steps. "It is my duty to warn you, Sir," said William's voice in an official but triumphant tone, "that one of your downstairs windows has been left open. Most dangerous. Also," he added quickly, "that I am authorised to use my truncheon in self-defence, and that anything you say may be used as evidence against you." * * * * * UNRULY BRITANNIA. Dear Mr. Punch,--I see that Canon MASTERMAN, in his Presidential Address to the Members of the Teachers' Guild of Great Britain and Ireland, delivered yesterday week, observed that the German teacher had been the servant of the State; his function had been to foster love for the Fatherland. But, he continued, "that love was degraded by jealousy, distrust and arrogance. The spirit that breathed through our 'Rule, Britannia!' was corrected in our national life by our sense of humour and self-criticism." How true and how necessary! It is indeed surprising to me that no one has said it before. Why should we dwell on the greatness of our sea-power and proclaim our resolve not to be slaves? I have always understood, in spite of the view of Sir HENRY NEWBOLT, that DRAKE was nothing more than a buccaneer. The public utterance of such sentiments is surely prejudicial to "moral uplift," and, in the memorable words of _Mr. Pecksniff_, is "Pagan, I regret to say." It seems to me that the time has now come when, in the interests of reticence and humanity, a serious attempt should be made to revise our so-called patriotic songs, and, though fully conscious of my own literary shortcomings, I cannot refrain from suggesting, by the following examples, the lines on which such revision might be profitably carried out. For instance, the refrain of "Rule, Britannia!" would be shorn of its thrasonical quality and rendered suitable for use in elementary schools if it took the following form:-- "Curb, Britannia, Britannia curb thy pride; True Britons never, never, never PUT ON SIDE." Another song which clamours for drastic revision is "The British Grenadiers." I cannot help thinking that it would be greatly improved if it were remodelled thus:-- "Some talk of ALEXANDER, and some of HERCULES, Of HECTOR and LYSANDER, and warriors such as these; But infinitely greater than the stroke of any sword Is the pow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow of WILSON and of FORD."