There are many other standard songs and poems which could be dealt with in similar salutary fashion, but I am content to leave the task to others, and will content myself with the following original lines, which, whatever may be said of their form, have, at any rate, the root of the matter in them:-- "The men who made our Empire great Have long ago received their meed; Then why the tale reiterate? Self-criticism now we need. Then, O my brethren, lest you stumble Look carefully before you leap; Be modest, moderate and 'umble-- Like the immortal Mr. Heep." Once more and in conclusion:-- "Let us be humorous, but never swankful-- Swank mars the finer fibres of the soul-- For what we have achieved devoutly thankful, But disinclined our prowess to extol; And, when our foemen bang the drum and bump it, In silence be our disapproval shown; 'Tis nobler far to blow another's trumpet Than to perform fantasias on your own." I am, dear Mr. Punch, Yours earnestly, CHADLEY BANDMAN. * * * * * [Illustration: _Doctor_ (_to would-be recruit, whipper-in to the Blankshires_). "Sorry I can't pass you, my man. You've got an enlarged heart." _Recruit._ "Squire always says as you couldn't have too big an 'eart to ride over a country on war-time 'osses."] * * * * * OUR EXPERTS. "There are still three gaps in the trunk line through Asia Minor to Baghdad, but these will be filled in during the course of next year, and unless we can reach the city before the Germans, they will certainly reach it before us." _Truth_. * * * * * "One of Mr. Copeland's ancestors, Sir John Copeland, who captured David, King of Scotland, with 40,000 troops at the battle of Neville's Cross, after lodging the latter in Carlisle Castle, proceeded to France, to report the event to the King, who knighted him at Calais and conferred on him the Barony of Kendal."--_Carlisle Journal._ In these days he would have been fined for overcrowding. * * * * * JOURNALISTIC ENTERPRISE. Once upon a time a rash man, wishing who knows for what?--possibly a peerage, possibly to be relieved of superfluous cash and so no longer have to pay super-tax, possibly for the mere joy of pulling wires--decided to start a newspaper.