On the relative importance of the classics, "maths," and "stinks"; On the charm of pink-hued ices, on the choice of gaseous drinks; On the special sort of sermon which induces forty winks; On the various ways of pulling pompous seniors by the leg; On effective ways of bringing uppish juniors down a peg; On the scientific mode of blowing any kind of egg; On the forms of condescension which the human boy insult; On the picture-palace mania, on the CHARLIE CHAPLIN cult; On the latest modern weapons which supplant the catapult-- On these elemental matters, and indeed on many more, I have now accumulated quite a valuable store Of instructive, entertaining and authoritative lore. And I hope, on my returning to my humdrum normal life-- When we've scotched the KAISER's yearning after sanguinary strife-- Fortified by modern learning, to electrify my wife. * * * * * "VAN (sleeping), on iron wheels, to accommodate two men, not under 12ft. by 6ft."--_Glasgow Herald._ Such giants should certainly go in the van. * * * * * Resuscitation. Extract from official memo.:-- "This man has been medically examined ... with the result that he is believed to be feigning decease. The penalty attached to trial by C.M. on this charge has been explained to him, and he has elected to return to duty." * * * * * In the Line of Methuselah. "In France the northern men were accorded high honours. Louis had a bodyguard of twenty-four Scotsmen, and this band continued in existence as a Royal guard to nine monarchs for one hundred and fifty years." _The War Illustrated._ What happened at this point of their interesting career we are not told--possibly they went into the Reserves. * * * * * WAR RISKS OF AN UNCLE. I have been made a fool of by the Government. No, you needn't all hold up your hands at once. Mine Was different from yours. I have always looked upon myself as an efficient uncle, but now--well, one more incident of this kind and I shall be definitely _passé_. The technique of being an uncle I mastered quite early. For instance, at stated seasons in the year I choose with some concentration two toys and two improving books. The toys I give to my nieces, Lillah and Phyllis; the books I send to a hospital. In the same spirit, when I take them for a treat and they over-eat themselves, I simply finance the operation and at the same time buy a large bottle of castor oil and send it anonymously to St. Bartholomew's. You see the idea? It is simply technique. I have explained this system to Margaret, their mother. But she is not one who sees reason very easily. In spite of opposition, however, I continue to do my duty.