_Stranger._ "MR. SAMUEL TOOLEY?" _Native._ "THERE'S TWENTY SAM TOOLEYS." _Stranger._ "HE IS, I BELIEVE, A CARPENTER." _Native._ "TEN ON EM'S CARPENTERS." _Stranger._ "HIS AGE IS SEVENTY-EIGHT." _Native._ "AH, THAT MUST BE ME. WHAT CAN I DO FUR EE?"] * * * * * "DEESIDE FOREST FIRE. Ground game flew from their nesting places with shrill cries."--_Daily Paper._ Odd behaviour for hares and rabbits? * * * * * Professional Candour. "YOUNG GENTLEMEN TAUGHT BALLROOM DANCING (Privately). INDIVIDUAL INSTRUCTION. NO CLASS." _Advert. in South African Paper._ * * * * * "FOR SALE.--A chance for Art Collectors:--Beautiful Enamel on Gold by Email de Geneve."--_Singapore Free Press._ We understand that the advertiser has also for sale some priceless statuary by the eminent sculptor, Plâtre de Paris. * * * * * "By Lady M---- S----. My favourite quotation is: 'Things are what they are, and the consequences will be what they will be; why, then, should we wish to be deceived?'--_Samuel Butler._"--_Daily Sketch._ It always looks well, when mentioning the name of the author of one's favourite quotation, to get it right. There seems to be an Analogy here between Lady M---- S---- and that PHARAOH "who knew not JOSEPH." * * * * * NEW MODES FOR MARS. The anti-scarlet fever raging throughout the country is causing the Government the deepest concern, and many schemes for modifying the present khaki uniform of our troops, instead of reverting to the old red and blue for ceremonial wear, have, it is well known, been under consideration by the tailoring experts of Whitehall. Bright and brainy as are most of the projects, we are authorised to state that the following memorandum at present holds the field, being considered to provide the greatest measure of economy and utility, nattiness and hygiene. * * * * * The flat-topped service cap (to begin with the private's head) is to undergo considerable alterations, the crown becoming dome-shaped, the peak disappearing and a brim being added eight inches wide and curving deeply downwards. This detail will be carried out for summer in chip-straw, for winter in crown velours, and completed with a ribbon in the regimental colours (to take the place of the regimental badge), with two streamers in the rear, like those of the Glengarry bonnet, but greater in length and width. The chin-strap will be made of white elastic, but not pipeclayed, and worn permanently round the chin. * * * * *