* * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE may be visited freely by pleasure-seekers, in whom, as Members of Burial Clubs, their families take a lively interest. * * * * * REAL PLEASURE, to be experienced nightly by those who pay a visit to * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE, affording the only recognised Incombustible Entertainment on record. * * * * * [Illustration: SEA-SIDE WEATHER STUDIES. STORMY. THREE PIC-NIC PARTIES SUDDENLY INTERRUPTED BY THE RAIN.] * * * * * WANTED, A THESEUS; _Or, The Betting Centaurs of the Race-Course and the Cinder-Path._ HALF-man, half-horse! A fitting blend indeed To type the monster of a modern breed, The mongrel thing, half Houyhnhnm to the view, But fouler than the Swiftian Yahoo, Who makes the race-course rascaldom's resort, And shames the manliest scenes of British Sport. Sport? The Cad-Centaur hath as little sense Of the fine joy to which he makes pretence, The English glorying in a fair-fought fight, A well-run race, a show of speed or sleight, As of the love that males of British breed Moves in the presence of a gallant steed. No Sportsman's fervour his; he never thrills To the contagious sentiment that fills The solid Saxon when, with thundering stride, _Ormonde_ and _Minting_ struggle side by side; When Cam and Isis prow to prow contend; When GEORGE and CUMMING strain from end to end Of the long cinder-path in panting speed; When wheelmen swift alternate lag and lead; When white-plumed yachts spread emulative wings To the salt wind that through the cordage sings; When Notts and Surrey fight for pride of place, Or the ring cheers the "many-centuried" GRACE. Bound by his betting-book, the cynic churl-- With coarse-gemmed hands and greasy frontal curl, When fortune smiles, or frowsy when she frowns As wolfish waifs that haunt the slums of towns-- Is brute all through and ever; blatant, base, "Rough" in his speech, and rascal in his face; A radiant rowdy now when some base stroke Of juggling skill has flushed him; now "stone-broke," Black-hearted, beetle-browed, true gaolbird type, Reeling and reeking, ever ruffian-ripe For any coward act of ruthless greed That craft may scheme, or violence may speed.