THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--An "Apprehensive Playgoer" writes:--"We were in one continual downpour from the rising of the Curtain to its fall; and though we are all still suffering from rheumatism, our party was enabled, with the aid of umbrellas and waterproofs, to enjoy the evening's entertainment with a sense of security that was as novel as it was refreshing." * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--The Management provides everyone paying at the doors with a Fire-Escape, that can be left outside, and a Life Assurance Policy, available for the duration of the evening's entertainment. * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE has, in every gangway, a steam fire-engine served by a fully-equipped complement of members of the London Fire Brigade, who inspire the audience with confidence by, from time to time, playing on portions of them with a five-inch hose. * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--People recommended a cold _douche_ by their medical adviser, cannot do better than secure a front seat in the upper boxes. * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is provided with cast-iron scenery, and has, as its Stage Manager, a retired Fire-King. * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is surrounded by a network of balconies, affording access, by iron staircases, to the roofs of all the adjacent houses in the neighbourhood. * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE has in effect no walls, and is practically all "Exit." * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE can be virtually emptied before a checktaker could say "Jack Robinson!" * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE.--A "NERVOUS FIRST-NIGHTER" writes: "Being seized the other evening in the middle of the front row of the stalls with a purely private and personal, but uncontrollable panic, I rushed from my place, and made with all the haste I could command for the street. Though, in my hurry I found it necessary to have a couple of vigorous fights of several rounds each with two box-keepers in succession, which resulted in my being eventually removed from the house, struggling with three policemen, six refreshment-stall-keepers, and nine firemen, it only took me twenty-seven minutes and a half from the time I started from my place inside till I found myself deposited in the midst of a jeering crowd on the steps of the principal entrance." * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE will set up chronic lumbago in the Dress Circle. * * * * * THE ROYAL UNINFLAMMABLE THEATRE is the dampest Public Lounge in Europe.