NERVOUS INVALID.--It is unfortunate that the last Southbourne Park train, should "blow off steam and whistle continuously for half an hour under your windows," at 1.30 A.M. Still, this does not quite excuse your smashing all the furniture and throwing the fire-irons into the street in one of the paroxysms you speak of. When you have a lucid interval write to the Company. No, don't "put a bullet through the engine-driver's head," as you suggest. Try a _mandamus_ first,--also try some soothing syrup. ANXIOUS ENGINEER.--You ask "if there is any danger attending the experiment of mixing equal parts of nitro-glycerine, gun-cotton, and sulphuric acid in an iron tank in your back-garden?" We have never tried it, so cannot say. The best _modus operandi_ would be to invite your landlord, mother-in-law, and nearest tax-collector to come and see the fun. Go off yourself to the seaside, and get one of them to do the mixing. You would be sure to be interested in the result. * * * * * THE LOST RECORD. (_A Chaunt by an ex-Champion._) AIR--"_The Lost Chord._" RUNNING one day on the "Cinder," I led all the field with ease; I felt I was going strongly, I romped in quite "as you please." I knew not what I was doing, I was "fit as a fiddle" then, And I made a "Record" that morning I never shall make again. It flooded the sporting papers, I got the pedestrian palm. They called me Champion of Champions; The praise in my ears was balm. But another "Ped."--confound him!-- "Cut" my record, in our next strife, By exactly one-tenth of a second. I should like to have his life! I was Champion of Champions no longer, Gone, gone was my pride, my peace. Oh, the cheers for my hated supplanter! I thought they would never cease. I have struggled, but struggled vainly, By practice and training fine, To regain once more that "Record," Which for a brief month was mine. It may be the man who licked me Will be licked by yet better men, But the "Record" I lost that morning _I_ never shall win again. * * * * * AN "ORANGE FREE STATE" THAT SHOULD HAVE ITS LIBERTY CURTAILED.--Peel on the pavement. * * * * * [Illustration] THE HOUSE "UP" AT LAST. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. _House of Commons, Tuesday, September 13._--The House is "up," or nearly so, and if not altogether, more shame for it. _We_ are, as will be seen from thumb-nail sketch annexed. I'm not only up, but have been off for a clear week. Come back just to hear HARCOURT'S Speech. Liked to go finally before, but ARNOLD MORLEY wouldn't let me. "Get a pair," said he, when I again broached subject, "and go as soon as you like."