_Elder Daughter._ Ha! Listen to this! "Can play the banjo, and twenty-six games of lawn-tennis without fatigue." The pet! _Younger Daughter._ Perfectly engaging! Oh, Pa, wire to him _at once_! _Elder Daughter (turning pale)._ Stop! What is this? "Very steady and respectable. _Has been engaged to be married for past three years!_" Call _him_ engaging, indeed! No chance of it. The wretch! _Younger Daughter._ A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing! Can't you prosecute him, Pa? _Vicar (meditatively)._ I might--in the Archbishop's Court. Really this new self-recommendation plan, though useful in some ways, seems likely to disturb quiet households. And I've fifty-nine more photos to look at! [_Retires to Study, succumbs to slumber._ * * * * * _SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER_ has been announced as in preparation at the Criterion and the Vaudeville. Miss MARY MOORE v. Miss WINIFRED EMERY as _Miss Hardcastle_. Which is to "stoop," and which to "conquer?" Why not run it at both Houses?--and, to decide, call in a jury of "the GOLDSMITH'S Company." * * * * * THE MAYFAIR ROW.--GOODE, BAIRD, and very indifferent. * * * * * [Illustration: THE IMPERIAL SOCIALIST. _A Song of the Situation._ _AIR--"The King and I"._ _Socialist Workman sings_:-- _Emperor._ "I'M ONE OF YOU!" _Socialist._ "ALL RIGHT, MATE. THEN--TAKE OFF YOUR CROWN!"] The Kaiser swears that he can work; So can I! So can I! Strain and long hours he will not shirk. Nor do I, nor do I. But he may work at his sweet will; So they say, so they say. Whilst I must toil my pouch to fill; A long day, a long day! So there's _some_ difference I see Betwixt the Emperor and me. He hath his army and his ships; Great are they! Great are they! Their price, which my lean pocket nips, I must pay, I must pay. Yet here he comes to grip my hand; That's his plan, that's his plan; And at my side to take his stand, Working-man, working-man! Strange that such likeness there should be Betwixt the Emperor and me! BISMARCK, it seems, he does not trust; Nor do I, nor do I. He thinks the toiler's claims are just; So do I, so do I. He's called a Conference of Kings, Novel scheme, novel scheme! To talk of Socialistic things-- Pleasant dream, pleasant dream! What difference, now, would KARL MARX see Betwixt my Emperor and me? The "International" they banned. _That_ was vile, _that_ was vile. But now a similar thing _they've_ planned, Makes me smile, makes me smile. Labour world-over they'll discuss, Far and near, far and near. Will it all end in futile fuss? That's my fear, that's my fear. A difference of view I see Betwixt the Emperor and me.