It is understood that the Stewards of the Jockey Club at their last meeting resolved to suppress the use of all strong language on Derby Day. Any owner discovered in the act of saying "blow" will be confined to barracks for a fortnight. Anything more violent will involve perpetual suspension, with the loss of all the privileges of a British Citizen. Any jockey denouncing his neighbour's eyes will be converted into an automatic toffee-distributor. If he repeats the offence, he will be forbidden to vote at the next County Council Election. These salutary regulations will be strictly enforced. * * * * * The Railway Companies anticipate no difficulty in conveying visitors to Epsom within two hours of the time fixed for their arrival. Much interest attaches to some novel experiments in shunting, which are to be carried out between Epsom and London to-day. The point is to discover whether an excursion train loaded with passengers at the rate of thirty to a carriage designed for eight, can be shunted into a siding so as to clear an express moving at a constant velocity of fifty miles an hour, drinks included. The pace of the excursion train may be neglected in the solution of the problem. * * * * * "I have never understood," says a Correspondent, who signs himself "PUZZLED," "why a dog should always use his left hind-leg for the purpose of scratching his left ear, and _vice versa_ his right leg for his right ear. Can any of your readers enlighten me?" * * * * * GROSVENOR GEMS. (SECOND VISIT.) [Illustration: No. 180. Littler and Littler.] [Illustration: No. 36. W. Qrious Jaundiceson, R.A.] [Illustration: No. 140. "Mr. Stanley, I presume?"] [Illustration: No. 102. Marvellous Acrobatic Feat.] [Illustration: No. 109. The Dairy Maid and the Butteries.] * * * * * EXCHELSIOR! TOLD that I can "assist the progress of Military Science" if I go up in a "War Balloon" at Chelsea. Don't know anything about ballooning, but do want to assist Military Science. Arrive at Chelsea Exhibition Grounds. See the Balloon being inflated. Disappointed, as a "War Balloon" seems to be exactly the same as a Peace Balloon. Expected it to be armour-plated, or fitted with aerial torpedoes, or something of that sort. Ask Professional Aeronaut if I mayn't take a bomb up with me, and drop it, as practice for war time? Aeronaut scowls fiercely. Asks, "If I want to blow the Balloon to smithereens?" Also asks, "If I have any bombs about me now?" Looks as if he would like to search me! Drop the subject--not the bomb. Still, I _should_ like to know how I can "assist Military Science." Take my place in car nervously.