_The Man who always makes the Right Remark._ H'm. Haven't seen anything I could carry away with me. _His Flippant Friend._ Too many people about, eh? Never mind, old chap, you _may_ manage to sneak an umbrella down-stairs--_I_ won't say anything! [_Disgust of his companion, who descends stairs in offended silence, as scene closes._ * * * * * [Illustration: "EMBARRASSING!"] * * * * * IN THE KNOW. (_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) I AM told that many of the millions who have read with delight the brilliant sporting articles that have appeared from my pen week after week expect me to utter a few words of seasonable advice as to the chances of the various animals engaged in the Derby and the Oaks. If I were one of the chowder-headed numskulls who cackle for hire, the task would doubtless be an easy one. Mr. J. has performed it yearly with that magnificent want of success which attends all his addle-pated efforts. But, praise be to Heaven! I am not Mr. J., or one of his crew. I am only a humble writer, distinguished alike for his unerring sagacity, his undeviating accuracy, and his incisive force of expression. My task is, therefore, stupendous, but I will perform it. THE DERBY. There are many horses in for the Derby. Some people fancy _Surefoot_. Fancies are not, of course, facts, but the name is good. Keep your eye on the black and cerise of LIDDIARD. _Sainfoin_ is not generally supposed to cover grass, but there are generally exceptions. I have not heard the angels calling _Le Nord_ lately, but they may begin at any time. A man may get _home_, so may a horse, and I am bound to say that if I were _The Beggar_ I should give the lie to the crack-brained puddling proverb, and be a chooser of first place. _Bel Demonio_ should be all there when the first part of his name rings, so that he may go like the second, if he wants to be one, two, or three. _Rathbeal_ rhymes to heel. Has he got a clean pair to show? _Orwell_ should score well; and you must never, tie your _Garter_ too tightly, unless you want to stop your circulation. _Golden Gate_ is not always as open as might be wished; and _The Imp_ is sometimes a hindrance. Good old _Polonius_! As for _Kirkham_, _Alloway_, _Martagon_, and _Loup_, all I can say is, Mum's the word. How about the Field? Monkeys are often made there. So much for the Derby. THE OAKS.