12 NOON.--It has! And now that we have again taken possession, we must say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs were flinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions, and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant row entirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, and his opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would be foolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come-- 1 P.M.--It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have just slaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-pots flew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we make our remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happening hereafter. The hour may come-- 2 P.M.--It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys! This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--we mean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo! [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else starts a rival and "suppressed" edition._ * * * * * [Illustration] * * * * * THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891. _January_.--If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the Opposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away if only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues." On the 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive of PITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down to SHERIDAN. _February_.--On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. This said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary missive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. This capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they laugh until the end of the month. _March_.--Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If you take care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on the turf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_." Good at a hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe "1801?--the year of my birth!" _April_.--Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_ Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the _Times_.