[Government Inspector _leads them off delighted_. Typical British Father _left swearing_. * * * * * UNSELFISH HELP BY SMILES.--"Dr. QUAIN's advice to doctors," says Mr. JAMES PAYN in the _Illustrated London News_, "always 'to look cheerful,' ought to be written in letters of gold." So it is: in notes, or cheques. When the eminent novelist has to send for Dr. QUAIN, the latter will beam on him, and tell him a good story. The labour he delights in will "physic PAYN." * * * * * [Illustration: THE EGOISM OF GENIUS. _Fond Mother_. "DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THE EVENING PAPERS, MORTIMER?" _Minimus Poet_. "WHY, IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT _ME_ IN THEM?" _Fond Mother_. "NOT THAT I KNOW OF, DARLING." _Minimus Poet_ (_pettishly_). "GOOD HEAVENS, MOTHER, THEN WHAT ON EARTH SHOULD I WANT TO _SEE_ THEM FOR?"] * * * * * POLITICAL ASIDES; OR, TRUTH IN PARENTHESES. (_VERY FREELY ADAPTED FROM_ THOMAS HOOD.) _Fond Mother_. I really take it vastly kind, This visit, my dear creature! A family likeness here you'll find. (Like _hers_? Not in one feature!) _Friendly Visitor_. Only too happy, I am sure, To see the little darling, Our family friendships _are_ so pure! (They find effect in snarling.) _Fond Mother_. Well, dear, with _your_ experience, Your aid must be of value. You've not yet given its help immense. (Nor, if I know it, _shall_ you!) _Friendly Visitor_. Ah! Good Nurse G-SCH-N, is she out, That you the babe are dandling? Sweet-tempered child and strong, no doubt! (The brat wants careful handling.) _Fond Mother_. G-SCH-N and D-KE are both at hand, But I'm so proud to show it. The weakness _you_ will understand (Envious, and knows I know it!) _Friendly Visitor_. Mothers must be as vigilant As--say 'Bus-strikers' pickets. It cries, dear! What does baby want? (Half-starved, and has the rickets!) _Fond Mother_. Which, think you, the best Infant's Food? You see there are so many; I know your judgment is so good! (Not worth a single penny!) _Friendly Visitor_. Well, dear, don't swaddle it too tight. That ruins the digestion, And--Forster's Food I've found work right. (She'll relish _that_ suggestion!) _Fond Mother_. Humph! Rather out of date, I fear! You've slight experience--_lately_-- Next time you nurse you'll know, my dear! (She'll like that home-thrust _greatly_!) _Friendly Visitor_. Your nursing, dear, of course, is based Upon my Nursery Manual. The child looks _rayther_ peaky-faced. (Not quite a hardy annual!) _Fond Mother_. Think so? Look up, and laugh, my sweet, Show NANA she's mistaken-- It quite begins to "feel its feet." (With spite her soul is shaken!)