VERY NEAR.--"The man who never makes a mistake, never makes anything," said Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister, in the course of a farewell after-dinner speech. Happening to be re-reading Mr. SURTEES' inimitable _Soapy Sponge_, we find that _Mr. Bragg_, when applying for the situation of Huntsman to _Mr. Puffington_, remarked, "He, Sir, who never makes an effort, Sir, never risks a failure," which is just the premiss to Mr. PHELPS'S celebrated conclusion. * * * * * A NUPTIAL PENEDICTION.--"Pless you, my children!" as Sir CORNWALLIS WEST will say in his best Principality-English to the happy Bride and Bridegroom on December 8 next. * * * * * [Illustration: THE "EGYPTIAN PET." PROFESSOR OF THE NOBLE ART OF SELF-DEFENCE. "NOT UP TO IT YET, YOUNG 'UN." "We desire that Egypt should be strong enough of herself to repel all external attack, and to put down all internal disturbance." _Lord Salisbury's Speech at the Guildhall, November 9th._] * * * * * "BY JINGO!" (_A Military Sketch according to precedent._) [Illustration: A Call to Arms!] SCENE--_Sanctum of the_ Coming General. _To him enter_ Intelligent Foreigner. _Intelligent Foreigner (politely)._ I trust you will forgive me for intruding upon you, but the fact is I am very anxious to obtain a few useful hints for the Government I have the honour to represent. _Coming General (effusively)._ Oh, certainly. Only too glad to lay down any work I may have in hand, to tell you everything. Of course you have been over Woolwich Arsenal and the Dockyards, and no doubt you have-- _Int. For. (interrupting)._ Yes, thanks, I have seen everything, and had everything explained to me. I do not believe that there is a single official secret that has not been revealed to me in the kindest manner possible. _Com. Gen. (heartily)._ Come, that is as it should be! We like to tell the whole world what we can do. _In. For. (drily)._ Exactly, and teach your neighbours how to do it? _Com. Gen. (gazing at his neglected work)._ But if you know everything, why do you come to me? _In. For._ Well, I thought if I got it first hand from the Commander of the Future, it would strengthen the opinion I have already formed of the unpreparedness of the British Empire. For I take it that the British Empire _is_ unprepared? _Com. Gen. (amused)._ Why, certainly! I thought everybody knew that! If war were declared now, according to all the rules of the game, we ought to be absolutely ruined. _In. For._ Dear me! I am sorry to hear it! But surely your Fleet is fairly strong? _Com. Gen. (laughing)._ What a joke! Oh, I dare say, ship for ship and gun for gun, we are more powerful than any other nation. But if hostilities broke out, our Fleet would be valueless. We should want every vessel to guard our island shores, and our commerce and colonies would have to shift for themselves.