_In. For. (with concern)._ Dear me! This is very sad! But then you have an Army? _Com. Gen. (with another burst of laughter)._ What! Call our wretched force an Army! Why, to quote a writer, whose letters have been published in our leading journal, "Nobody could tell the Secretary of State for War how a force of forty thousand men, if it had to be supplemented for defensive purposes by Volunteers, could be supplied with ammunition for six weeks." Call our force an Army! Why, my dear Sir, the notion is absolutely ridiculous! _In. For._ But does not such a state of things make you uneasy? _Com. Gen._ Uneasy! Of course it does! Why, at a moment's notice, this grand old country might disappear for ever! Why we all feel that we are on the point of dissolution! We know that only a ninth-rate Power has to send a fleet to invade us, and we should have to submit--that we should be absolutely effaced, and be known in future as merely a geographical expression! _In. For._ But surely this is lamentable--demoralising? _Com. Gen._ I should rather think it was!--awfully demoralising!--(_Sound of telephone bell._)--But will you pardon me? Some one wishes to speak to me from Head Quarters. I won't be a second. _In. For._ Certainly. Pray see what it is. _Com. Gen. (listening, and speaking through telephone)._ What! Not really? Hurray! _In. For._ Why, what is the news? _Com. Gen. (excitedly)._ Splendid! The Great Powers of Europe have simultaneously declared war against us! This will be grand! _In. For. (in a tone of deep commiseration)._ My poor fellow, this means ruin! _Com. Gen._ Ruin! Rot! (_Through telephone._) All right, will start to-night, and should be in Paris by Thursday, and at St. Petersburg at latest by the end of week. We can take Vienna and Berlin on our way home! I will be with the men at Portsmouth within an hour. Never mind our baggage; send it on afterwards. _In. For. (astounded)._ But what are you going to do? _Com. Gen. (with determination)._ Going to do! Why give them another thrashing! By-by, no time for talking! See you again soon! [_Exit hurriedly to beat the foe, and, strange to say, the object is subsequently attained--somehow!_ * * * * * AN ANTI-ONIONIST LIBERAL.--Mr. LEAKE lately made a radically plucky speech, and is in future to be known in the North as Cocky Leakey. * * * * * OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN. _Telegraphic Address.--"Croesus," Everywhere._ [Illustration]