"I would. My wife and child shall _not_--" (_&c., &c._) _Villain_ (_slowly_). "And the oath you swore to my Mother, your dying Aunt, would you break that?" _Joseph_ (_overcome_). "My oath! my Aunt! Ah, no, I cannot, I _must_ not break it. JASPER SHOPPUN, I am powerless--you must do your evil will!" (_He sinks on a settee: Triumph of Villain, tableau, and Curtain._) _Author._ I wouldn't have _believed_ that a modern audience would treat heroic conduct like that as if it was _laughable_. It's enough to make one give up play-writing altogether! _Comp._ Oh, I wouldn't do _that_, dear. You mustn't punish Posterity! [_The Play goes on and on; the Villain removes inconveniently repentant tools, and saddles the Hero with his nefarious deeds. The Hero is arrested, but reappears, at liberty, in the next Act (about the Ninth), and no reference whatever is made to the past. Old serious characters turn up again, and are welcomed with uproarious delight. At the end of a conversation, lasting a quarter of an hour, the Lady's-maid remarks that "her Mistress has been very ill, and must not talk too much." Cheers from Audience. General joy when the Villain returns a hopeless maniac. Curtain about six, and loud calls for Author._) _Author._ Nothing will _induce_ me to take a call after the shameful way they've behaved! And it's all the fault of the acting. When we get home, I'll read the play all through to you again, and you'll see now it _ought_ to have been done! A hundred and twenty pounds simply thrown away! [_Retires, consoled by her_ Companion, _and the consciousness that true genius is invariably unappreciated._ * * * * * ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. _House of Commons, Monday, March 21._--Uneasy feeling spread through House to-night consequent on question addressed by MACINNES to UNDER-SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS. Wants to know "whether his attention has been called to the increase of drinking among Natives in the Coast Towns?" CAUSTON particularly depressed. [Illustration: "Sir, I am not--"] [Illustration: "--an Agricultural Labourer."]